Carol Ann Duffy ...

... is a poet who I read when I was a teenager, and I adored her ... But I haven't come across her again until today, when I found "Rapture" in a tiny bookshop at South Kensington. It was captivating, mostly in its simplicity and heart-aching beauty ...

World
"On the other side of the world,
you pass the moon to me,
like a loving cup,
or a quaich,
I roll you the sun.

I go to bed,
as you are getting up
on the other side of the world.
You have scattered the stars
towards me here, like seeds

in the earth.
All through the night,
I have sent you
bunches, bouquets of cloud
to the other side of the world;

so my love will be shade
where you are,
and yours,
as I turn in my sleep,
the bud of a star."

Give
"Give me, you said, on our very first night,
the forest. I rose from the bed and went out,
and when I returned, you listened, enthralled,
to the shadowy story I told.

Give me the river,
you asked the next night, then I'll love you forever.
I slipped from your arms and was gone,
and when I came back, you listened, at dawn,
to the glittering story I told.

Give me, you said, the gold
from the sun. A third time, I got up and dressed,
and when I came home, you sprawled on my breast
for the dazzling story I told.

Give me
the hedgerows, give me the fields.
I slid from the warmth of our sheets,
and when I returned, to kiss you from sleep,
you stirred at the story I told.

Give me the silvery cold
of the moon. I pulled on my boots and coat,
but when I came back, moonlight on your throat
outshone the pale story I told.

Give me, you howled,
on our sixth night together, the wind in the trees.
You turned to the wall as I left,
and when I came home, I saw you were deaf
to the blustering story I told.

Give me the sky, all the space
it can hold. I left you, the last night we loved,
and when I returned, you were gone with the gold,
and the silver, the river, the forest, the fields,
and this is the story I've told."

Albert Camus ...

... When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter.

~ one of the most intense philosophers from the West, but with some original ideas and to-the-point analysis of human natures (albeit towards the dark side) ...

The kite runner ...

... by Khaled Hosseini is a pretty amazing book. Every page spurs you onto the next, but it is an intense and emotionally draining run. It is about a Pashtun boy (Amir) and his relationship with his father (Baba) and childhood Hazaran "friend" (Hassan), set in the turbulent time of Afghanistan. It is about about love that doesn't count the costs, about the haunting nature of unforgettable memory, about the everyday sweetness of an innocent childhood, about years of hidden secrets, about forgiveness to others and yourself, about goods vs evils ... One of the most touching aspects of the book is that despite how flawed each character is, there is so much goodness in them, so much capacity to love, and how hard they try to love, to be good ... Some people think that it is a book about redemption (to rectify a mistake, "a way to be good again"), but if one bases the sole motivation of Amir bringing Sohrab back to America on that, it lessens the importance of the act. Ultimately, there is more at work than gulit in ones' live ~ our human desire for kindness and love, to bring joy and happiness to those around us, and maybe even a "for you, a thousand times over" person ...

Hope ...

... is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune ~ without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
~ Emily Dickinson

Sometimes, we all need something to hold onto ... but I adore the last sentence ~ hope never demands anything from us, but faith in those around you, in the world, in goodness, in love and ultimately, in God ...

being happy ...

... is kinda strange, or to be precise, people's perception of your happiness. This week, I got voted as the happiest house-officer at my hosptial and had a call from my old SHO (my immediate boss) who was really sweet and said that "thank you for being so happy". I was speechless on both occasions, as the last 7 months has probably been one of the hardest time I have ever experienced (those of you who know me will say that I have a easy life, but there you are). The interesting thing is that there is nothing I can pinpoint as the precipitating cause, although many factors can be identified as perpetuating factors ... somehow, I was just lost in the midst of my hectic life, drifting along, and not quite sure what is going on ...

... it is not that I am depressed, or sad, and most days, I am content, but deep within, a clouds has descended into my horizon, with rainy showers every once-in-a-while to obscure the view ... Yet, as one of my friends said that you only learn when you are challenged ... and I have gained alot along the way, about responsibilty, myself, my weakness, my faith, what matters, what I want, what I don't want, the reality, the world with all its goodness and sadness ... and there is still so much to learn ... In a way, some would argue that you can only truly embrace happiness, when you know what is on the other side of the rainbow ...

Reinhold Niebuhr says ...

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.

... such a hope ... especially late at night, when you worry and worry, with regrets upon regrets about things you could have said, or done, or at least attempted to do, it is comforting to know that there is always hope of forgiveness ...

If ...

... I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.
~ Claudia Ghandi

Beautiful for a summer evening ~ let your thoughts wander as you walk and walk ...

Moon River ...

... "Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me ...

from "Breakfast at Tiffany" ... I have read the book and the film is kinda different to it, but still pretty awesome ...

Some of my favourite romantic films: Amelie, Annie Hall, Before sunset-after sunrise, Casablanca, Cyrano de Bergerac, Emma, Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind, Manhattan, Notting Hill, Sliding doors, The English Patients, Wuthering Heights (B&W) ... & of course, Breakfast at Tiffany ... that is the list for now ...

5 Sept 07: I have to add "The science of sleep" and "Truly, madly, deeply". The later combines cello and poetry ... do I need to say anymore?

21 Sept 07: "Atonement, Atonement, Atonement" - absolutely gorgeous ... also, I forgot "Shadowland" ...

19 Jan 08: "Brief encounter" - British rail, doctor, honours ...

23 Feb 08: "An affair to remember" and "sleepless in Seattle" allow Empire State Building to take on a whole different meaning ...

26 Feb 08: "Once" - if you have ever wanted a piano, lived in the land of possibility, and having love so close within your grasp, you cannot not fall in love with it ...

8 May 08: "Serendipity" - with Love in the time of Cholera, the cube game and lots of coincidences ... but "Sabrina" is just awesome; Paris, falling in love unawarely ...

2008: "Wall-E" and Eve ... the scene of him holding an umbrella over her after she went "quiet" is so tender that is beyond words ...

31 July 09: "The Reader" - an intense love affair, with lots of hidden and unexplained secrets, but it does involve reading aloud classic literature ...

6 Oct 09: "Up" is a Pixar movie, a love letter from a husband to his beloved wife, illustrating Erikson's last stage of human development - "Integrity verse Despair" with balloons, dreams, and broken promises ...

11 July 09: "Bright Star" has poets, letters, doomed love affairs, English summer, lavenders ...

3 August 10: "Inception" is beyond amazing; dreams, delusions, growing old ...

18 August 10: "Ponyo" is an animation, and a little sugary, but it does have a mermaid, the sea, and innocence ...

8 Oct 10: "The secret in their eyes" (El Secreto De Sus Ojos) is beautiful with "Te Mo" to "Te A Mo" ...

30 Oct 10: "Secuestro express" is utterly compelling with its moral ambiguities, in a background of social injustice ...

4 Jan 2011: "Catfish" is an alternative sad love story in the facebook world ...

21 Jan 2011: "The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons" is about death, ageing, love within a paradigm, things lost and found along the way ...

21 Sept 2011: "Nuovo cinema Paradiso" is a homage to film, full of nostalgia for the past, as it views all that have been lost through a magical lens ... 

11 Dec 2011: "In the moon of love" longing to be loved, to be understood, to be held ...

13 Jan 2012: The scene of he and she meeting on the staircase from "The Artist" is breathtaking ...

4 August 2012: ""Umberto D" is not straightly a romantic film but for me it is probably a poignant love letter to a battered life in its own strange little way ...

18 November 2012: "La peau douce" (The soft skin/Silken Skin) is about the devastating consequence of an affairs of the heart ... 

22 Nov 2012: "De rouille et d'os" (Rust and bone) is about finding love within yourself, in others and at the most unlikely places when things seem hopeless ... 

a trip down memory lane ...

... was my experience at good old Cam the other day ... I think it was the first time I have properly visited Cam since I left four years ago ... I walked past so many places which held dear memories for me ~ Lensfield Road, Downing, Cafe Rouge, Christ's Piece; seeing my old anatomy tutor back in the dissection room, listening to his talk to prospective students in our old anatomy lecture hall ... the formaldehyde smell still hit you when you open the door ...

It really bought home as to how different you have become ... Changes happen subtlety; whether you want it to, or not. Revisiting places makes you realise what you have lost and gained. Ultimately, people come and go, but as the song in Wicked said;
"That people come into our lives for a reason,
Bringing something we must learn, and we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return"

We can only pray that we have been changed for good ... and for those we have lost, we can always remember all the happiness they have created in our lives, all the goodness they have bought into our worlds, and all the ideas and thoughts they have generated in our heads ...

One thing I do know for certain is that 6 years of medical school has taught me something, as I can finally understand and answer the anatomy questions my old tutor asked! (confession: they were really simple, but hey, it is a start! :)

To those of you who read my blog: A few of you have mentioned the depressing nature of my blog ~ thank you for still reading my little blog, despite the not-so-cheerful content. I don't know why it is so sad sometimes, but I have had a lot on my mind this year, and it reflects that. Writing a blog is ultimately self-indulging, as I can write whatever I like, and I know there is 1/2 people out there who will be reading it :) So, a big thank you to whoever you are ...

finding out ...

... stuffs is always interesting, but to find something out via an unexpected source (ie. A tells me about B) can actually be quite upsetting. The seeds of doubt are now planted, as you no longer know where you stand, since you cannot comprehend why the people involved never told you themselves directly. Your mind starts to wander and wander and wander ... and somehow you end up being so tangled up that the only course of action you can think of is to avoid them and to expect nothing in return ...

It is a protective mechanism and maybe, just maybe, there is a hint of punishing someone here, since cutting someone out of your live is blatant and cruel ...

So I am not sure what to do ... but to accept what we cannot change/turn the clock back, is one of the hardest things on earth ...

storm ...

... is raging through London, bringing with it plently of rain and time for reflection ... I also read this line today ~

"storms are a punishment for us so that we should feel the fear of God"

... in the Royal Opera House's summer brochure for "Katya Kabanova" ...

mistakes ..

... are strange strange things ... there are so many levels to it ... some are so trivial that you forget about it the next day (like walking into a lamp-post, picking the wrong sandwiches or just generally getting confused) and may even laugh about it the next day ... but there are some which are serious, coming back to haunt you days/weeks/years later ... you regret it, feel sad, and somehow, your life continues to stay in that position, like a car without petrol ...

... it is hard to know what to do ... but ultimately, I suppose you have to accept that you have made a mistake, leant to forgive yourself, and believe that there is someone else out there who is in control, than just you and your own helplessness ...

WALL-E ...

... is the name of the next Pixar animation ... and it will not come out until 2008, but it sounds awesome ... I read about it in the Times and I just can't wait to see it ...

It is about this tiny little robort who has been doing his job (collecting rubbish) faithfully for the last 700 years, without knowing what he is on earth really really for ... it does sound like one of us, doesn't it? Wall-e does fall in love with another robort called "Eve", so there is magic and hope in the air ... well, at least in an animation ...

the more loving one ...

... by Auden ... my favourite poet of all time ... this poem transports you to a summer night sky with such love and hope, despite the raindrops outside, and the cold ... but at least my psychiatry paper is finally finished ...

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

~ Auden

Whistle for the Choir ...

... by The Fratellis is a pretty amazing song - soooo happy and hopeful ...

"Well it's a big big city and it's always the same
Can never be too pretty tell me you your name
Is it out of line if I were so bold to say "Would you be mine"?

Because I may be a beggar and you maybe the queen
I know I maybe on a downer am still ready to dream
Now it's 3 o'clock time it takes for you to talk

So if you're lonely why'd you say your not lonely
Oh your a silly girl, I know I hurt it so
It's just like you to come
And go you know me no you don't even know me
Your so sweet to try, oh my, you caught my eye
A girl like you's just irresistible

Well it's a big big city and the lights are all out
But it's much as I can do you know to figure you out
And I must confess, my hearts in broken pieces
And my heads a mess

And it's 4 in the morning, and I'm walking along
Beside the ghost of every drinker here who has ever done wrong
And it's you, woo hoo
That's got me going crazy for the things you do

So if your crazy I don't care you amaze me
Oh your a stupid girl, oh me, oh my, you talk I die, you smile, you laugh, I cry
And only, a girl like you could be lonely
And it's a crying shame, if you would think the same
A boy like me's just irresistible

So if your lonely, why'd you say you're not lonely
Oh your a silly girl, I know I hurt it so
It's just like you to come and go
And know me, no you don't even know me
Your so sweet to try oh my, you caught my eye
A girl like you's just irresistible"

being practical ...

... is definitely not my cup of tea. I spent an hour sorting out my mobile phone bill today ~ I did have the most helpful assistant on earth ... he was liked ~ hmm, your bill is £90 ... because you bought things with your phone?!?, made £13 worth of calls in one go, have subscriptions which you didn't even know exist ...

For example, I am subscribed to mobile TV, but "I don't even have TV in my flat" (he was liked - "TV on your mobile dear"). When I couldn't unsubscribe via the internet, despite clear instruction from him, he was "hmm, via your mobile". So there you are. The worst thing is that he kept on calling me "Doctor ... doctor ..." ... sometimes I think I am an embrassement to my profession ... Oh well, never mind, at least I can claim to be a star in blood taking ... (which is what I have learnt from vascular surgery ~ a very important life skill!)

Closure ...

... is an interesting thing and sometimes, they happen without us realising it ... They do tend to come when it is least expected, like rains falling on a sunny day, but most of the times, they are essential and vital for the continuity of the day-to-day life ...

This week has been a major wake up call for me (seeing a few long-lost friends, having a patient dying randomly, being honest with how I feel/what I struggle with, realising what I miss, learning the harsh reality of work ...) ... In the past year or so, I have been running away ... but the long hand has finally turned to "12", and it is chiming for me to face up to them. It will involve a substantial amount of thinking and exploring ... and it will hurt, as holes in myself, my faith, and the world will be found ... but I need to close this ambiguous chapter of my life, need to reassess where I stand, what I believe and how to continue ...

it is going to be a long long road, but hey, a pretty relaxed bank holiday weekend is definitely the way forward ...

vascular surgery ...

... is pretty awful ... really not enjoying the firm ... the shouting, the randomness (our operating list metamorphoses 3 times in a day), the meaningless (preparing for meetings where no one actually listens to what you have to say), the lack of facilities (not enough papers, chairs, blood forms, computers in a windowless room for 10 people), the long hours (to be honest, we are only doing 11 hours day at the moment, so it is not the end of the world), the brutalness (telling a patient that we are going to chop off all of her toes in 3 days' time ~ all in one sentence), the boringness of it all ... each morning, I wake up and start to dread the walk into 4 south more and more ...

But then, I went out for a drink tonight, and suddenly, the world seems like a brighter place ... work is still rubbish, people are still not great, one is still going to get hurt, with a lot of uncertainties circulating around the world, but I do have some wonderful friends, the sun is going to come out soon, and afterall, only 73 more days to go ....

An arundel tomb ...

... an amazing poems ... evoking the feeling that all things are possible ... actually based on a tomb in Chicester Cathedral ~ may go and visit it in the summer ...

"Side by side, their faces blurred,
The earl and countess lie in stone,
Their proper habits vaguely shown
As jointed armour, stiffened pleat,
And that faint hint of the absurd -
The little dogs under their feet.

Such plainness of the pre-baroque
Hardly involves the eye, until
It meets his left-hand gauntlet, still
Clasped empty in the other; and
One sees, with a sharp tender shock,
His hand withdrawn, holding her hand.

They would not think to lie so long.
Such faithfulness in effigy
Was just a detail friends would see:
A sculptor's sweet commissioned grace
Thrown off in helping to prolong
The Latin names around the base.

They would not guess how early in
Their supine stationary voyage
The air would change to soundless damage,
Turn the old tenantry away;
How soon succeeding eyes begin
To look, not read. Rigidly, they

Persisted, linked, through lengths and breadths
Of time. Snow fell, undated. Light
Each summer thronged the glass. A bright
Litter of birdcalls strewed the same
Bone-riddled ground. And up the paths
The endless altered people came,

Washing at their identity.
Now, helpless in the hollow of
An unarmorial age, a trough
Of smoke in slow suspended skeins
Above their scrap of history,
Only an attitude remains:

Time has transfigured them into
Untruth. The stone fidelity
They hardly meant has come to be
Their final blazon, and to prove
Our almost-instinct almost true:
What will survive of us is love."

~ Larkin

sad steps ...

"Groping back to bed after a piss
I part thick curtains, and am startled by
The rapid clouds, the moon's cleanliness.

Four o'clock: wedge-shadowed gardens lie
Under a cavernous, a wind-picked sky.
There's something laughable about this,

The way the moon dashes through clouds that blow
Loosely as cannon-smoke to stand apart
(Stone-coloured light sharpening the roofs below)

High and preposterous and separate -
Lozenge of love! Medallion of art!
O wolves of memory! Immensements! No,

One shivers slightly, looking up there.
The hardness and the brightness and the plain
Far-reaching singleness of that wide stare

Is a reminder of the strength and pain
Of being young; that it can't come again,
But is for others undiminished somewhere."

~ Larkin