... was how someone described me yesterday. It upset me (although I am a bit fragile in general this week), as it is a very accurate and truthful description of my life, in all aspects. A kinder friend said that I am just optimstic, but the former is probably more true. I want everything to be perfect in the world, and I sincerely hope that it will be so, trying to create a perfect surrounding for those I love, bringing a smile to their faces.
Yet, I am constantly let down, by myself, by others, and sometimes, by life itself. On Friday night, I was asked to see a patient on my ward. She was found lifeless in a chair, stone cold (although just an hour ago, she was talking and reading a magazine). The rawness of death, the helplessness ... we started CPR and I prayed and prayed that we will bring her back (and we did) ... when the family arrived, with their sadness, she was slowly drifting into the world of unconsciousness ...
all those tears ... seeing their mother with 10 millions tubes, talking through the options, signing the "Do not resuscitate" order ...
was it right to resus her? was it right to pray that she will survive? Has God answered my prayer? Thus, did my unrealism create more pain for the family?
