unrealistic ...

... was how someone described me yesterday. It upset me (although I am a bit fragile in general this week), as it is a very accurate and truthful description of my life, in all aspects. A kinder friend said that I am just optimstic, but the former is probably more true. I want everything to be perfect in the world, and I sincerely hope that it will be so, trying to create a perfect surrounding for those I love, bringing a smile to their faces.

Yet, I am constantly let down, by myself, by others, and sometimes, by life itself. On Friday night, I was asked to see a patient on my ward. She was found lifeless in a chair, stone cold (although just an hour ago, she was talking and reading a magazine). The rawness of death, the helplessness ... we started CPR and I prayed and prayed that we will bring her back (and we did) ... when the family arrived, with their sadness, she was slowly drifting into the world of unconsciousness ...

all those tears ... seeing their mother with 10 millions tubes, talking through the options, signing the "Do not resuscitate" order ...

was it right to resus her? was it right to pray that she will survive? Has God answered my prayer? Thus, did my unrealism create more pain for the family?

life drawing ...

... went to my first ever class today and it was sooo much fun. I was so bad at it, that it was kinda funny?!?! It is interesting to observe how bad you can be at something ... In my 24 years' life, I have proved to be useless in driving (my driving instructor said that I give him heart-attacks and he asked me to quit, as I would never pass), map-reading, Spanish (I failed my mock GCSE paper, with a "F"), aural test in piano exams (I have done every grade from I to VII and have never passed the aural component!), drawing (my mum did all of my drawing homework while I was little. When I was at boarding school, my mate did it for me), cooking (hmm, anyone who has tried it will know) ...

... there are 10 millions other things I am not good at, but this is what makes life beautiful, as it shows that we cannot exist on our own, but to rely on each other, to get us through each single day ...

being late ...

... is probably one of my really really bad habits. My lateness can range from several seconds to over an hour (pretty unacceptable!). I seem to have no concept of time (in transport terms), and most of the times, I ended up getting lost and spent another 30 minutes, trying to figure out where I am. I am therefore one of those people who ask 10 millions people for direction and still have no idea what is happening ...

Today, I was 5 minutes late for a resus course, and I was not allowed in. The feeling was terrible, as you felt rejected because of your own failure (= being late). I was really lost at this massive hospital (Hammersmith Hospital, for those of you in the known, is a complete maze!), but still, I should have been more prepared etc ... so yeah, my resolution for now is not to be late, and to be early ... (hmm, hopefully, none of my friends actually reads my blog and demands a change in my action ...)

a very random day ...

... woke up this morning crying?!?! I am not one of those people who cry all the time (unless I am watching a film or reading a book or something really upsets me) and I can't remember what I was crying about in my dream?!?! It definitely has to do with work, as I was in the hospital, and was so upset that I couldn't stop crying when I woke up??!

a great start to the day ... had a lovely cello lesson and then crawled back to bed ... I am just drained, after working 12 days back to back, doing 9-7 or 7.30-10 shifts. Finally crawled out of bed to meet a friend for dinner. We spent 30 minutes trying to find each other at Waterloo, then once we did, she didn't want to go to the restaurant. I then took her somewhere else (which she didn't seem to like either!), so I asked her to choose anywhere, but she just wouldn't. Then, the strangest thing of all happened - I flipped!!!! I am not the best temper person on earth, but I don't really ever get mad at people, as I normally try to keep everything under control. We still have a fun evening, ending up with Thai food and spiced apple teas!! :) She was more shocked than mad at me, but I do feel very bad, as she is a great mate and I have no rights to behave the way I did.

Going back to bed ... as I am seeing 4 different people tomorrow for teas, lunch and tennis, so I don't want to flip at anyone!!!!

inside I am dancing ...

... a most interesting film. It is about 2 guys in wheelchairs and how they try to form an independent life. Its plot is predictable, but it got me thinking. I have a 95 years old patient who refuses any food or drink, as she wants to die. So, we get into this cycle in which she becomes dehydrated in the nursing home and get sent to the hospital. The family wants to know if there is any way we can break the cycle. We are not really doing much medically, except giving her subcutaneous fluids (as she pulls all of her drips out), but it is not working, as all of the fluids just stays in her tummy (instead of being absorbed). I was really confused as to why the family wouldn't let her go? We can put a tube down her thorat to feed her, but it is really uncomfortable and she doesn't want it. She just wants to go. The film, on the other hand, is so full of hope. One of the main characters knows he will die pretty soon (as he has Duchene muscular dystrophy - a rare genetic musclar disorder), but he still tries so hard to become independent, to live a life that he wants it. Yet, this lady doesn't want to. (Okay, there is a large age difference). I really do not know when we should draw the line. Should we keep her coming and going from hospital? Sometimes, we seem to keep someone alive for the sake of those around ...

On a slightly different note, one of my patients had a stroke and refuses all rehabitation (physio etc). She has got huge rehab potential if she tries, but she just said that "I am a cripple, let me go". It makes me wonder as to what I will be like when I am old? Will I still be motivated or given up all hopes?

Care of the Elderly does drain you out ...

people ...

... are always full of surprises. I have a very bad habit in that I always try to "guess" someone's personality, views, opinions etc ... ie. jumping into conclusion about someone. About 70% of the times, I am right, but sometimes I am pleasantly surprised. I will meet someone who I don't think I will be able to talk to (ie. assuming they are way too serious, or extreme in their views, or very cool etc), and have some amazing conversations. They sometimes even clear some misconceptions I have about the world, and change my views forever ...

Maybe that is because I have less expectation ... and as I am not trying to impress them, I really listen to their views and see things from their angles.

However, I am also greatly disappointed today. A friend of mine texted me this morning and said that "the moon will change colour at 8 tonight, as the moon is at its closet to earth in 16 years". I did look and it didn't change colour. I texted all of mates about it (one doesn't have many "16 years"!), and only one guy actually said he will look ... so yeah, he is probably as sad as me, but at least, we still believe and hope ...

My cough ...

... has lingered for over a week now. It sounds awful. I just coughed like nutes all day. Once I was explaining to a patient's relatives re: prognosis of their father, my cough was so bad that they actually stopped asking questions and just stared at me. Last night, I went to a relatively posh restuarant, and the waiter though I was choking myself. It is kinda strange to be ill and working in a hospital, as nurses gave me medications, made me tea and put some cakes aside just for me. So, everyone is looking after me :)

A friend of mine is staying with me in a few days' time, so hopefully, my cough will get better by then, as otherwise she won't get any sleep!!!

The bell ...

... is a book by Iris Murdoch. A quite interesting book (I am not a big fan of her writing) about faith, homosexuality, religious etc. Towards the very end of the novel, (probably not a vital point for the book) she describes about Dora's feeling towards Michael and she wrote, "She had waited sadly, but with a sense of the inevitable, for the ending of her time with Michael. She loved him with a quiet undemanding hopelesness. After so much pain and violence his very inaccessibility was consoling".

I was quite surprised by the sentiment expressed, as in our world, most people will think that it is pointless (ie. to love someone and not be loved in return, or to help, to contribute etc). Even in helping the developing worlds, saving the planet etc, it is all to make a better society for our children (I am not saying that it is a bad motivation). It seems to be such a change to do something without any motive, without any hope, without any demand, although you can argue that for Dora, there is a reason behind it, as it was "consoling" ...

we do live in a complicated world, don't you think?