the year of magical thinking ...

... is a book by Joan Didion. It is about the author's grief when she lost her husband after he had a sudden massive heart attack., It is about her year of magical thinking, wishing that she can bring him back from death ...

I read the first 60 pages at Borders last night (Foyles did not stock it ~ the information guy thought that it was a self-help book?!? I was liked ... hmm, no ...), and I didn't buy it, as its emotion was just too raw, too deep, too painful to be reading passively.

Yet, it got me thinking. Most of us live in a world of magical thinking - I believe most people have a wish sub/consciously that they are working on or hoping for. For some, it may be to become famous beyond all costs, to live for their loved one (we have a patient with end staged multiple sclerosis (long going neurological illness), and basically, he does not move one flicker of muscle or engage with the outside world. Yet, his wife continues to live for him, and she broke down when we explained that he is very unwell, as she feels that if he goes, her life will end too. Very depressing, but at the same time, to love so intensely in one's life may be a good thing), to find peace within oneself, to build peace in another country ...

I have just finished "an artist of the floating world" by Kazuo Ishiguro and its overriding point is that "we have the satisfaction of knowing that whatever we did, we did at the time in best of faith. Of course, we took some bold steps and often did things with much singlemindness; but this is surely preferable to never putting one' s conviction deeply enough, for lack of will or courage. When one holds convictions deeply enough, there surely comes a point when it is despicable to prevaricate further". (The fictionious artist was involved in Japanese imperialism).

With magical thinking, it suggests that the wishes at hands are unachievable, but maybe to believe in something so passionately yet undertake no actions, may be more detrimental ultimately. But hey, today is Halloween Day - a day of magic ...

a life without me ...

... is an amazing film (I seem to say that for every film I ever watched?!?). It is a very plain story, about a young mother dying from cancer, leaving her two children and husband behind ... very simple, nothing fancy (ie. no twist in plots etc), but very touching ... it makes you realise how much she is going to lose, and this sense of loss is conveyed in all the gestures she did in trying to hold on to life ... as she said, "the death has no regrets".

It also bought home for me how patients react to doctors. Relatives always only want to talk to you after 5pm. Some days I stayed behind and explained, but there are days in which I still have 10 millions things to do (blood forms, update the list, chase up all the blood results ...) Today, a relative asked me why his father was being given huge trunk of meat, when he is having difficulties to swallow. I was liked - "I don't know, you would have to ask the nurses". I suppose I could have taken more initiative in helping him out, instead of just asking the nurses to deal with it. It is such a fine line to draw, since otherwise, I set an awful precedent in dealing with patients after hours, and they can become quite unreasonable and demand to see a doctor over the weekend etc .. hmm, don't know ...

surprise ...

... I haven't had a "man-made" surprise for ages ... maybe since I left Cambridge. I suppose that as you get older, it takes more to surprise you ... but there is always a sunrise, a flower, a song on the street, which touches you out of the blue, and reminds you of better times.

Tonight, a girl and her boyfriend (who I met at Australia), randomly knocked at my door!!! We had a short chat outside of my flat, as it was a complete tip (so I couldn't really invite her in), but it was sooo nice to see her and to talk ... and it was not something which was organised 2-3 weeks in advance ... so spontaneous, so simple, yet, it really cheers me up ...

So, do something spontaneous today ... to bring a smile to someone's face :)

kids ...

... are such an interesting group of people. I bought some sweets for a daughter of someone at work (really random, but basically, she is a big fan of Hello Kitty, and I happened to have a tin of Hello Kitty sweets lying around at home. Don't ask me why I bought such a thing?!?!)

Anyway, this little 7 year old wrote me a card, with everyone from her family signing it ... kids something are sooo thoughtful that it can break your heart!! Receiving cards/letters from my friends is probably one of my favourite things, but they happen so far and few in between. So, she definitely made my day :) (and I am so glad that she has already learnt the art of letter sending!)

being unwell ...

... is something I am pretty good at. I have been ill twice since August (cough for 3 weeks, and now I am feeling dizzy all the time, with a temperature - checked by the nurses on the ward!). Someone even said to me last week - "everytime I meet you, you are either coughing or have something wrong with you".

I don't know why either, but I have definitely picked up more bugs since I started working at the hospital (although not C.difficle or MRSA). The longest time at which I have been well was when I was away on summer holiday this year ~ staggering 8 weeks!

At least, this year, with no studying after work, I can crawl up in bed, watch dvd and have lots of hot chocolate (can't complain!) when I can't bear to face the world ...

在世界中心呼喊愛 ...

... crying out love, in the center of the world ...

is a pretty amazing film. I managed to dig up a really random version at my parents' house today, but if you can ever get hold of it, do (I can't find it on amazon) ... the storyline is a bit predictable, except for a pretty random ending, as it tries to tie up the loose ends. It is a film which leads to lots and lots of tears, but then, what do you expect from a film with such a title?!?

But the cinema work is amazing and it does make one believe in eternity (although maybe in a hopeless kind of way) ...

anyway, if you know me and want to borrow it, just give me a shout :)

Crash ...

Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep ......

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep ......

And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep ......

And the silence,
or your secrets, well
raise a worry hand.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
to who you thought you were.
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep ......

Kandinsky@Tate ...

... is a pretty amazing exhibition. I caught it on the last day (typical of my well-organised life!), and it was dazzling. He is famous for abstract painting (see the picture above - Cossacks 1910–11 Tate © ADAGP, Paris and DACS, London 2006), and I am sadly not its biggest fans. The exhibition traces his development from landscape to abstraction, and some of his paintings from the in-between periods are literally mind-blowing. My favourite is a tiny painting called "Moscow, Red Square", with its amazing bright light and colourful background, such a sense of hope ...