future ...

... is indeed full of uncertainity. The medics were all depressed at the pub tonight, as we are currently in a sinking boat of "waiting to hear about jobs, not being short-listed, going somewhere you don't want to go, doing something you don't want to do" ... the future being in a mist of fog, so unreachable, so unpredictable ...

I was reading The Screwtape Letters today, with an amazing passage: "He does not want men to give the Future their hearts, to place their treasure in it. We do. His ideal is a man who, having worked all day for the good of posterity (if that is his vocation), washes his mind of the whole subject, commits the issue to Heaven, and returns at once to the patience or gratitude demanded by the moment that is passing over him ... We want a whole race perpetually in pursuit of the rainbow's end, never honest, nor kind, nor happy now, but always using as mere fuel wherewith to heap the altar of the future every real gift which is offered them in the Present".

Everything seems so simple now - live for now, enjoy the moment, do the good work and trust the future in some greater hands than yours or mine ...

facebook ...

... I joined about 5 days ago and since then, I have spent a tremendous amount of time not-doing-much-but-surfing-the-site ... I haven't really gathered any new information, but it is liked reading "hello magazine" in that you kept on absorbing unusabe information!!! I suppose most people whom you want to talk to are on your phone/email/see-face-to-face, and those whom you try soooo hard to find, they are lost from you forever ... oh well, that is indeed life. But I think I would rather use those times to read something useful, so hmm, time to say good bye to facebook ...

Borough market ...

... is pretty amazing ... have been wanting to go there for ages, but everytime I go, it is always around closing time ... but I finally make it there today, and it definitely lived up to expectation (unlike most things in life, which tend to be anti-climax) ... loved it; the crowds, the food, the smell, the noise ... there was sooo much stuffs to try (okay, mainly cheese, but still they are good) and we found the most gorgeous cake shop; wooden floor, cottage cupboards, lots of roses, funky teaports ... what more can one hope for ...

The friend I went with is a pretty amazing cook, so we came up with lots of ideas for things that I can cook (as I am a pretty incompetent cook) ... so hopefully, I will be inviting people over for dinner etc, as I am now inspired!

reality of life ...

... since January, my life seems to have fallen apart ... and I still do not know why ... It is not that I am sad, but a general gloom has descended in front of my eyes. I can no longer see the world through a rose-tinted glasses, as the realities of life; its ugliness, its imperfection, its loneliness, its sorrow, just keep on knocking on the door and asking to enter, to be acknowledged ... and I am losing the strength to fight that battle ... I am becoming one who has no hope, no faith, no real joy, but living day by day ...

It is hard when you see the gripping big hole in your life, when you realise the difference between who-you-think-you-are and who-you-really-are, when you know you have failed and have no strength to continue ...

Do you give up? Become the countless people who live for the moment? Those who try to do what is right/good, but does not really care if you fail? Believe that there is no real goodness in this world and it is just a great big bubble, waiting to burst one day?

changed over ...

... to surgery since Wednesday. I am definitely not cut out to be a surgeon. They tend to think quite linearly (completely different to medicine, where your thinking tends to branch out) and my team has no structure. To be honest, we don't have many patients, but the consultants like to randomly turn up on the ward, and have a ward round (actually, more like a whiz round, as we tend to float through the patients).

My team is very nice, and I am with some of my medicine mates, so I can't really complain .... just slowly learning a different way of working ... I have managed to medicalise two of my patients (ie. making them a medical, rather than a surgical problem), so that is pretty cool :) although no Psychiatry patient so far ...

Oh well, it is the weekend, enough about work for now ...