Lucky Jim ...

... is a short novel by Kingsley Amis. Its main protagonist may not be the cleverest person in the world but below is some sensible-albeit-dispassionate advice from him;

People get themselves all steamed up about whether they're in love or not, and can't work it out, and their decisions go all to pot. It's happening every day. They ought to realise that the love part's perfectly easy; the hard part is the working out, not about love, but about what they're going to do. The difference is that they can get their brains going on that, instead of taking the sound of the word "love" as a signal for switching them off. They can get somewhere, instead of indulging in a sort of orgy of emotional self-catechising about how you know you're in love, and what love is anyway, and all the rest of it. You don't ask yourself what greengages are, or how you know whether you like them or not, do you? Right?

Carl Jung ...

wrote in Psychology and Alchemy , "We simply do not understand any more what is meant by the paradoxes contained in dogma; and the more external our understanding of them becomes the more we are affronted by their irrationality ..."

Yet, the search of meaning and understanding continues (for me anyway) ...

Things that makes me smile ...

... is a slightly random list but it will be interesting to have a record (or I am just a data junkie!).

- warmth of sunshine on my face

- snow falling silently

- catching up with books/films/TV/articles under a massive duvet when unwell

- good ice cream/frozen yoghurt, even if it is freezing outside

- cups and cups of green teas

- Japanese food, especially at Sakana-Tei

- travelling; the excitement of seeing the world for the first time ... sunrise at Mount Sinai, the reflectiveness of Mount Fuji, the vastness of Great Ocean Road, a stunning monastery in Portugal, early morning at Taj Mahal, the mist over Sans Francisco, fallen leaves at NYC, the energy at Chicago, thick thick snow in a little town in Russia, dim sum in China, European bridges, stars in Sahara Desert, singing/chanting in beautiful empty Swedish cathedrals, renaissance painting at Florence, the humidity at Vietnam ... this can be endless ...

- anticipation of a secret cinema event

- random, full-of-tangents conversation with friends and loved ones

- love in its various forms

- psychiatry; especially when they are reunited with their loved ones/at peace/smile again

- discovering poems/beauty in unlikely places

- wandering in galleries aimlessly

- being so engrossed in a book/play/ballet/film that it becomes the sole reality (albeit briefly)

- reading the weekend paper at a cosy coffee shop in winter and on the green green grass in summer

- snorkelling and greeting Nemos in crystal blue seas

- walking barefoot on a sandy beaches/lush green grass

- the first bite of a fresh red apple

- boat trips in the sun

- the smell of cookies baking in the oven

- chatting away in a pub with mulled wine/winter pimms

- receiving text messages on a super busy day/when unwell

- having long text conversations with my sister

- writing cards for no apparent reason just because I want to

- finding forgotten love notes

- unexpected kindness from a stranger

- watching films outdoors

- writing illegible postcards while on holiday

- the smell of fresh flowers; in the kitchen, windowsill, garden or countryside ...

- the dawn of finally understanding something after much struggles: be it a solution, a concept, an interpretation, even a mathematical formula ...

- meeting and talking to interesting people at a party

- cello recitals at Wigmore Hall

- a favorite tune playing unexpectedly on the radio

- the sense of relaxation after a facial/massage/exercise

- doing something that makes someone smile; be it stopping the bus while they are running for it, trying to give them some directions by using my iPhone, calling/skyping a friend ...

- the smell of rain on freshly cut grass

- looking at photos, especially holiday snaps of other people with a running commentary on the side

- a sparkling clean flat after spending hours cleaning it (I love cleaning - strange but true ...)

- sleeping-in without setting the alarm, then with nothing planned for the rest of the day

- skinned milk porridge with granola, berries and almonds

- noodles with all of its glorious garnish; be it Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Taiwanese, soup, fried, sauce ...

- a long bath after a hard day at work

- the feeling of having survived after a set of night shifts with no one dying/being hurt

- listening to love stories, especially the difficult complex ones with happy endings

- being recommended an unknown book/film which turns out I love

- opening the post box every morning (before discovering the bills within)

- beautiful sunflowers at the forensic psychiatric wards (these are grown and cared for by the patients)

- walking in central London late at night when it is bathed in Christmas lights

- slightly chaotic Christmas with family

- an article being finally accepted for publication

- a good therapy session after a hard week

- coming across little things which are perfect for someone

- sitting by a river on a clear summer night

- the smell of my mama's cooking

- emails from my papa

- kicking a pile of fallen leaves (sorry, street sweepers!)

- looking at flickering candles

- Tapping the extra hot crumbles from Le Pain Quotidien

- Making extra thin pancakes in the morning

- falafels at Camberwell especially after a hard consultation

- lobster at Big Easy with my best mate SK

- browsing at Whole Food/farmers markets

- reflecting in a church alone

- the hilarious comments/laughters at The Ritzy

- holding a hot cup of coffee when the morning is cold and way too early

January 2012

- Floating in the ocean with the sun shining

- Collecting seashells

- Trying a new dish and it is simply delicious

- Finding a new cool band

- Watching sunset on the beach

- Binging on sweet, cold watermelons

- Blowing bubbles and watching them float

- Learning new words and finally being able to pronounce them

- Finding a still open M&S after a very late flight

- Finally getting into bed after a hard long day

- Clean sheets on bed

- My friend SAK's amazing baking

- The sense of overwhelming relief after a tricky presentation

- Exploring the wonderful food selection at Japan Centre

February 2012

- Munching on Leon's baked fries

- Stumbling onto some silly but philosophical cartoons/photos/drawing on the world wide web

- Realising that my friend is slowly but surely on the road to recovery

- Being given a ticket to a brilliant exhibition by a complete kind stranger

- Finding the last portion of Wakame Chuka seaweed salads from Japan centre

March 2012

- Waiting for departure as in a few hours' time, you will be wandering in a magical, fairytale liked European city

- revisiting old holiday haunts and recalling some fond memories

- Retrieving my lost iphone because of the goodness of a stranger

April 2012

- Twittering and blogging random information of little interests to others, but myself

- Sending back-and-forth catching up texts with my friends in NYC/DC/Sydney

- Opening my beautiful Fortnum and Mason Easter Egg (and having the best sister ever!)

May 2012

- Booking a city break out of the blue, just because it is raining in London and I want ice-cream

- Receiving my favourite chocolate (Montezuma) unexpectedly

- Being Elmo (the title explains it all)

- Discovering the creative power of art in the midst of suffering ... a group painting of David Hockney by patients at the end of life ...

- Stealing a Top Hat from an awesome party 

- Wearing my battered Birkenstock to work

- Drinking fruity pimms under the lights by Southbank

- Picnic-ing on goodies from the Whole Food store under the beautiful sunshine

June 2012

- Wandering at the ancient Pantheon

- Savouring Italian ice-cream ... (not the men ...)

- Holding a big bag of ice on my face at Sperlonga during a pretty dramatic nosebleed ...

July 2012

- Meeting someone who makes you laugh unexpectedly ...

- Finding a second handed raincoat at the Oxfam shop when the sky broke at Latitude 2012 

- Singing along to my favourite indie bands

- Lying down in the sunshine on a massive field with Ed Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros playing "Home"

- Discovering a beautiful poetry/dance/play at Latitude 2012

- Having a poem written just for you

- Having a hot shower after 5 days of antiseptic wipes existence ...

- Introducing the amazing Pimms to an Italian (who kind of liked it!)

- Waiting for cello music to be played at the British BBC Proms

- Drinking at a pub late at night with friends from everywhere

August 2012

- Trying to finish the never-ending courses of a Swedish tasting menu

- Learning the letter cubes at Southbank changes throughout the year ... 

- Finding fellow Miyazaki fans

- Discovering an apple at the bottom of my bag after a 12 hours shift and I was starving

- Reading lovely messages from my friends/family after my beloved phone was snatched  

- Having Sachertorte (my favourite cake in the world!)

- Realising that Hundertwasserhaus is as magical as I have always imagined

- Outdoor-swimming in a random canal in Vienna

- Bathing in the golden wonders of "Der Kuss" by Gustav Klimt 

- Catching a cab in a torrent of rain 

- Opening boxes after boxes of wonders at Edible cinema while watching "Spirited Away"

- Knowing that my instinct is kind of right afterall ... 

- Enjoying the luxury of working from home

- Staring at disbelief of my feeble attempts at life drawing 

- Heaping feathery snow in the company of Les Studio de Cirque angels

September 2012

- Having meandering, sometimes hilarious, text/what'sapp conversation

- Being engrossed in an unusual grand round at Granta Magazine launch 

- Swirling Framboise Lambic beer at the Dovetail

- Jumping on the train, going somewhere for no apparent reason but only you can, and finding a little country pub along the way with the perfect summer Pimms in the sunshine ...  

October 2012

- Discovering graffiti in an unexpected corner (Haus Schwarzenberg)

- Immersing in the poignant art of Kathe Kollwitz

- Receiving a text greeting of "Happy Birthday" at exactly at midnight ...

- Being baked the Sachertorte (the ultimate chocolate cake)

- Dragging my ever-so-patient friend in the rain to find a dancing place

- Standing in the cold in a magician outfit for the elusive 344
- Magic tricks by someone special at WaterPoet

November 2012

- Looking at West Egg, where Gatsby lived for his beloved Daisy

- Playing the piano at a gallery at the Chelsea Market NYC and encountering ELMO cupcakes!

- Reading beautiful poetry at the massive Strand bookshop

- Twinkling glass sculptures by Jean-Michel Othoniel  

- Co-freeing a car from frozen sand at Rockaway Beach

- Laughing all the way on a train journey from Colchester to London

- Helping two very sweet children with their piano exams
- Admiring the rain in the rain room at the Barbician  

Why we must struggle ...

is a poem by Kay Ryan, a perfect backdrop for the end of a difficult 2011, while 2012 welcomes us in hope and dreams  ... 


If we have not struggled
as hard as we can
at our strongest
how will we sense
the shape of our losses
or know what sustains
us longest or name
what change costs us,
saying how strange
it is that one sector
of the self can step in
for another in trouble,
how loss activates
a latent double, how
we can feed 
as upon nectar
upon need?

Hector and the search for happiness ...

... is a book by Francois Lelord chosen by my sister for me to read over Christmas ... Hector does indeed think like a a psychiatrist (especially the part about not being a real doctor and not knowing what to do when someone is ill on a plane). Hector summarised his search for happiness as "the five families of happiness":

- joy, celebration, traveling, being in bed with a woman you desire.
- doing a job you like, wanting to attain a goal.
- feeling contended and wanting that to last ... by comparison with others or with your own past. Or when you don't compare yourself with anything at all!! (I think I agree more with the latter; comparison is a difficult road to take).
- certain way of seeing things. Cultivating your serenity and keeping hold of it whatever happens.
- friendship, mutual love, caring about other people's happiness or unhappiness, feeling useful to others.

I think I need to work on serenity ... well, meanwhile, Happy Christmas 2011! (The radio is now playing East 17's "Stay another day", reminding me of a gorgeous Carol I went to this year).

Many of Horror ...

… is a song by the rock group Biffy Clyro, with many not-so-good cover versions, but he wrote it for his wife, and there is something magical about the inevitability of “when we collide we come together, if we don’t, we’ll always be apart”. It does sum up a lot of difficult decisions one has to make about a relationship.


You say "I love you boy"
But I know you lie.
I trust you all the same
And I don't know why.

'Cause when my back is turned,
My bruises shine.
Our broken fairytale,
So hard to hide.

I still believe,
It's you and me
till the end of time.

When we collide we come together,
If we don't, we'll always be apart.
I'll take a bruise i know you're worth it.
When you hit me, hit me hard.

Sitting in a wishing hole,
Hoping it stays right.
Feet cast in solid stone,
I got Gilligan's eyes.

I still believe,
It's you and me
till the end of time.

When we collide we come together,
If we don't, we'll always be apart.
I'll take a bruise i know you're worth it.
When you hit me, hit me hard.

The marriage plot ...

... by Jeffrey Eugenides is liked "One Day" for those living in this broken world ... It is about loving someone who is difficult to love and one of questions being asked is ...

"From the books you read for your thesis, and for your article - the Austen and the James and everything - was there any novel where the heroine gets married to the wrong guy and then realises it, and then the other suitor shows up, some guy who's always been in love with her, and then they get together, but finally the second suitor realises that the last thing the woman needs is to get married again, that she's got more important things to do with her life? And so finally the guy doesn't propose at all, even though he still loves her? Is there any book that ends like that? ... But do you think that this would be good? As an ending?"

My answer would be a resounding NO! My patient today told me that her second husband died from heart failure two months ago. Her heart is absolutely shattered but the time they had together was, and still is, the most important thing for her. That, for me, is the real marriage plot.

Life in a day ...

... is a documentary by all of us, with its mundaneness, its eccentricities, its brokenness, its joys, in our gloriously dazzlingly colourful world ... I was talking to someone about culture the other day, and she did not think that it can ever be a barrier for us to understanding someone wholly as we are all humans at the end of the day, with its hopes, dreams, fears and disappointments ... An interesting finding from "Life in a day" is that there was a lot of clips with watermelons being sent in, even food unites us too ...

1Q84 ...

... is the latest offering from Haruki Murakami, the Japanese author for adolescent me.  It has been nearly a decade since I last read any of his books, partly because of the potentiality of being disappointed.  I am incapable of revisiting beloved people/places/events after a period of absence, but therapy has slowly taught me the beauty of memories and the expansiveness of human capacities.  As Haruki Murakami said in "1Q84" - "That's what the world is, after all, an endless battle of contrasting memories" ..

Grey ....

... as described by Gerhard Richter in "From a letter to Edy de Wilde" ,,,,

" Grey. It makes no statement whatever; it evokes neither feelings nor associations: it is really neither visible nor invisible. Its inconspicuousness gives it the capacity to mediate, to make visible, in a positively illusionistic way, like a photograph. It has the capacity that no other colour has, to make 'nothing' visible.

To me, grey is the welcome and only possible equivalent for indifference, noncommitment, absence of opinion, absence of shape. But grey, like formlessness and the rest, can be real only as an idea, and so all I can do is create a colour nuance that means grey but is not it. The painting is then a mixture of grey as a fiction and grey as a visible, designated area of colour."
In his exhibition at the Tate Modern (Panorma), his "Seascape" and "Betty" are two paintings which resonate with me a lot ... The latter reminds me a lot of "Christina's World" by Andrew Wyeth at the MOMA.

Tolstoy ...

... said that "The aim of an artist is not to solve a problem irrefutably, but to make people love life in all its countless, inexhaustible manifestations".

So let's paint, sing, write, read, act, dream, or simply think on this cold winter day ...

Incedies ...

... is a Canadian film made by Denis Villeneuve, based on the play "Scorched" by Wajdi Mouawad. It is about family, love, hatred, irrational anger, broken promises, obscenity of war


Letter 1
I speak to the son, not to the torturer.
Whatever happens, I'll always love you.
I promised you that when you were born, my son.
Whatever happens, I will always love you.
I looked for you all my life.
I found you.
You couldn't recognise me.
You've a tattoo on your right heel.
I saw it.  I recognised you.
You are beautiful.
I wrapped you in tenderness, my love.
Take solace, for nothing means more than being together.
You were born of love.
So your bother and sister were born of love too.
Nothing means more than being  together.
Your mother, Nawal Marwan.
Prisoner no. 72




Letter 2
My loves, where does your story being.  
At your birth?  If so, it begins in horror.
At the birth of your father?  If so, then it begins in a great love story.
But I say your story begins with a promise,
to break the chain of anger
Thanks to you, today I have finally kept it.
The chain is broken.
Finally I can take the time to cradle you
to greatly sing a lullaby to console you.
Nothing means more than being together
I love you.
Your mother, Nawal

Invisible man ...

... By Ralph Ellison is a complex novel with multiple layers but its overarching theme for me is our individual identity in the midst of societal demands and the chaos of day-to-day life. I wonder how often I am invisible to others and even to myself ... Are others also invisible to me?

"And my problem was that I always tried to go in everyone’s way but my own. I have also been called one thing and then another while no one really wished to hear what I called myself. So after years of trying to adopt the opinions of others I finally rebelled. I am an invisible man."

I will follow you into the dark ...

... by Death Cab for Cutie ... reminds me of "Last night", a Canadian film from the last milliennium ... What would you be doing if today is the last day on earth?  It would be an interesting (and possibly the best) way for you to know if you are in love with someone.  Would you spend your last day on earth trying to find them, not knowing if you would reach them? Does seaching in the midst of uncertainity affect the meaning of your action? ... I did once, but now I am not so sure ...

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs


If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark


In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back


If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark


You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now


It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms


If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs


If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Leo Tolstoy ...

... in "What Then Must We Do?" said ... "I sit on a man's back, choking him and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his lot by all possible means -- except by getting off his back".

Sorry about the doom ...

... is the song by Slow Club which I listened to, as I cleared up tonight, after one of the best Birthday celebrations I have ever had; very authentic and relaxed.  Awesome friends, lovely eclectic mix of food (Vietnamese/Chinese prawns starter, Sri Lanka salmon curry, French poached pears), truffles, wines, just the right amount of competitiveness at Cranium, thrown in organising a November holiday, and ending up watching lots of random Elmo youtube videos (with some feeble attempts from us to imitate his chicken dancing!) ... Nearly perfect, even without some in depth discussion about the meaning of life :p ... 


The lyrics for this song has a real sense of hopelessness to it, but the music is liked a lullaby, very soothing.  Maybe this moment in time for me involves finally closing a heavy polished wooden door, saying a proper goodbye to an era, and embracing the times ahead with a head filled with crazy explorations and a heart full of adventitious dream ...


Meanwhile, there is a dinner with fellow believers to share, an afterparty for "Phantom" 25th anniversary to dance to, "Jewels" to watch, lovely friends to see, ancient Egypt to visit, and of course, good old psychotherapy session to attend to ... Life is never bleak at this end of the world, but tremendously blessed ... 


I agree you were right to say we're doomed 
Cuz there isn't a chance that I'll get to be in your arms soon 
Cuz I'm back on the road now 
And there is nothing that we can do 
I have to find a way to make the days pass soon 

We spend our time looking for which one fits best 
And in the morning I am waking 
And I'm wondering how its me who ended up like this 
Cuz I'm the one who said it would be easy 
Now I'm the one whose feeling worse 
Cuz I agreed that I would never be put first 

And I know your heart is beating slow 
And out of time with mine 

So now I'll say goodbye

Nuovo cinema Paradiso ...

... was released as "Cinema Paradiso", a visually stunning Italian film written and directed by Giuseooe Tornatore. The story itself is very simple; an autobiography of a film marker whose childhood evolved around the Cinema Paradiso and his friendship with "Alfredo".  A sense of nostalgia permeates throughout the film, bathing in bittersweet helplessness.  The last scene was a montage of all the kiss scenes which the priest has ordered to be cut, allowing the broken fragments to end in an embrace  ... 


When Toto fell in love,
Alfredo: Once upon a time, a king gave a feast. And there came the most beautiful princesses of the realm. Now, a soldier, who was standing guard, saw the king's daughter go by. She was the most beautiful one, and he immediately fell in love with her. But what could a poor soldier do when it came to the daughter of the king? Well, finally, one day, he managed to meet her, and he told her that he could no longer live without her. The princess was so impressed by his strong feelings that she said to the soldier: "If you can wait 100 days and 100 nights under my balcony, then at the end of it, I shall be yours." Damn! The soldier immediately went there and waited one day. And two days. And ten. And then twenty. And every evening, the princess looked out of her window, but he never moved. During rain, during wind, during snow, he was always there. The bird shat on his head, and the bees stung him, but he didn't budge. After ninety nights, he had become all dried up, all white, and the tears streamed from his eyes. He couldn't hold them back. He no longer had the strength to sleep. All that time, the princess watched him. And on the 99th night, the soldier stood up, took his chair, and went away. 


At the seaside,
Alfredo: Living here day by day, you think it's the center of the world. You believe nothing will ever change. Then you leave: a year, two years. When you come back, everything's changed. The thread's broken. What you came to find isn't there. What was yours is gone. You have to go away for a long time... many years... before you can come back and find your people. The land where you were born. But now, no. It's not possible. Right now you're blinder than I am. 
Salvatore: Who said that? Gary Cooper? James Stewart? Henry Fonda? Eh?
Alfredo: No, Toto. Nobody said it. This time it's all me. Life isn't like in the movies. Life... is much harder. 

It's Friday I'm in love ...

... is a song by The Cure.  It is not the most profound lyrics on earth, but it is a great end-of-summer song ... (I am still holding on despite the wind, at least, the sun is shining!).


I don't care if Monday's blue
Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too
Thursday I don't care about you
It's Friday, I'm in love

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Oh, Thursday doesn't even start
It's Friday I'm in love

Saturday, wait
And Sunday always comes too late
But Friday, never hesitate...

I don't care if Mondays black
Tuesday, Wednesday - heart attack
Thursday, never looking back
It's Friday, I'm in love

Monday, you can hold your head
Tuesday, Wednesday stay in bed
Or Thursday - watch the walls instead
It's Friday, I'm in love

Saturday, wait
And Sunday always comes too late
But Friday, never hesitate...

Dressed up to the eyes
It's a wonderful surprise
To see your shoes and your spirits rise
Throwing out your frown
And just smiling at the sound
And as sleek as a sheik
Spinning round and round
Always take a big bite
It's such a gorgeous sight
To see you eat in the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff
It's Friday, I'm in love

I don't care if Monday's blue
Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too
Thursday I don't care about you
It's Friday, I'm in love

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn't even start
It's Friday I'm in love

Gone with the wind ...

... is a heart shattering beautiful book by Margaret Mitchell.  Part of me wished that I have read it when I am much older, as it is so rich, so devastating, so broken, yet so full of hope in this world with its crushing reality and war ... and the ending ...

"Scarlett, I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new.  What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.  Perhaps, if I were younger - " He signed.  "But I'm too old to believe in such sentimentalities as clean slates and starting all over.  I'm too old to shoulder the burden of constant lies that go with living in polite disillusionment.  I couldn't live with you now.  I wish I could care what you do or where you go, but I can't."
He drew a short breath and said lightly but softly:
"My dear, I don't give a damn".

One day ...

... by David Nicholls is not my favourite book on earth, but I like its sentiments, its hopes, its dreams, its failures, its disappointments, its tragedies, for "This is where it all begins. Everything starts here, today."