... (the day before the year actually ends!) ... 2006 has been an interesting year. The first half was spent in the library, absorbing medical knowledge which I still do not have, cutting out all social contacts, being amused with boredom ... then I graduated ... the second half began with travelling, meeting some amazing people, having responsibilties first time in my life, and facing deaths and suffering, knowing that I still do not cope well, and hoping some miracles will happen, taking away those agonies, kissing away those tears ...
... for now, my coping strategy involves sleeping, putting space between the day and myself ...
30 December 2006
21 December 2006
being ill ..
... must be my subspeciality ... Since August, I have been ill three times ... all of my colleagues know of my TB style cough (it took me 3 weeks to get rid of it and when I coughed, all of the patients would stop complaining about their problems and just stared at me).
Yesterday, on my day off, I developed something which I don't even know what it is called. I just couldn't function (maybe that is what people meant what they said that they are "generally unwell"). I even cancelled a sushi dinner :( and slept over 19 hours and today, I am not great, but at least, definitely smiling!
Yesterday, on my day off, I developed something which I don't even know what it is called. I just couldn't function (maybe that is what people meant what they said that they are "generally unwell"). I even cancelled a sushi dinner :( and slept over 19 hours and today, I am not great, but at least, definitely smiling!
17 December 2006
most frequently asked question ...
... for me , at the moment, beside "how are you?", is "why are you not with someone?". I am literally being asked that every other day, by everyone, from work, friends, random strangers ... To be honest, I don't know either ...
There has been people I like since my last relationship, but I am not motivated enough to do anything about it. Since starting clinical school, I have seen a lot of cases outside my usual life experience. The other day, I met a 40 years old alcoholic. You may think it is very common at A&E, and it is, but he was different. He was very well-kept, and I can imagine him to be a friend of mine, twenty years down the line. He has recently turned to alcohol, with his marriage breaking down and being made redundant (not entirely sure the cause and effect here). I contacted his parents about his discharge. His parents, however, refused to let him inside the home, and he was distraughted when he answered the phone.
I am not making any judgement, as it must be very difficult for his parents, since he can become violent when he is drunk, but it does make you question. When you are young, there are certain things in life you take as granted, and love is one of those things. You believe that some people will love you unconditionally, but as you grow older, you realise that it is not true ... it is one of those rare gifts in life. I have seen some beautiful relationships too, but most of the times, I fear that this gift will not be bestowed onto me, and hence, the reluctance to get involved, to become vulnerable, to be hurt ...
There has been people I like since my last relationship, but I am not motivated enough to do anything about it. Since starting clinical school, I have seen a lot of cases outside my usual life experience. The other day, I met a 40 years old alcoholic. You may think it is very common at A&E, and it is, but he was different. He was very well-kept, and I can imagine him to be a friend of mine, twenty years down the line. He has recently turned to alcohol, with his marriage breaking down and being made redundant (not entirely sure the cause and effect here). I contacted his parents about his discharge. His parents, however, refused to let him inside the home, and he was distraughted when he answered the phone.
I am not making any judgement, as it must be very difficult for his parents, since he can become violent when he is drunk, but it does make you question. When you are young, there are certain things in life you take as granted, and love is one of those things. You believe that some people will love you unconditionally, but as you grow older, you realise that it is not true ... it is one of those rare gifts in life. I have seen some beautiful relationships too, but most of the times, I fear that this gift will not be bestowed onto me, and hence, the reluctance to get involved, to become vulnerable, to be hurt ...
06 December 2006
Lewis Carroll ....
... One of the secrets of life is that all that is really worth the doing is what we do for others.
19 November 2006
sympathy ...
... was what I was reminded of yesterday. I have been really puzzled recently, as I had two patients who have to stay for an extra few days at hospital, because they were waiting for investigations or were not well enough to be discharged. They were both quite upset about it, and kept on saying "I am not happy". I actually got quite fed up with them, as they made me feel really bad (ie. I have let them down as a doctor), but there was no other way I could change the situation.
Anyway, I talked to a mate about it, and he was liked - they did not want you to apologise, but to empathise and understand what they are going through. Sometimes, as doctors, we tend to focus on what we can do, wanting to solve the problems at hand, instead of staying still and listen ...
Anyway, I talked to a mate about it, and he was liked - they did not want you to apologise, but to empathise and understand what they are going through. Sometimes, as doctors, we tend to focus on what we can do, wanting to solve the problems at hand, instead of staying still and listen ...
16 November 2006
Furnael blues ...
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
~ W. Auden ...
prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
~ W. Auden ...
10 November 2006
the wedding singer ...
... a musical I caught today at Broadway and this song was sung ... listening to it makes finding someone and growing old together seems so simple, so possible ... it reminds me of a patient of mine with Parkinson. I will always remember the sun rays shinning through his room, his wife by his side, holding his hands and talking, cherishing their times together ...
[Robbie]
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you, and even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you.
[Robbie & Julia]
I'll miss you, kiss you, take your shoes off and rub your feet.
Need you, feed you, and when we play checkers i'll let you cheat.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the one who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.
[Robbie]
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you, and even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you.
[Robbie & Julia]
I'll miss you, kiss you, take your shoes off and rub your feet.
Need you, feed you, and when we play checkers i'll let you cheat.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the one who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.
07 November 2006
New york ...
... is a place where you associated with being hectic, so busy that you cannot breath. Yet, for some strange reasons, this holiday is one at which I feel completely at peace and refreshed. (Okay, it is true that I have been doing a lot of travelling - went down to washington on an overnight train for a 16 hours stay! It meant that I had a lot of time to think and listen to my ipod!)
But because I have been to New York 2 years earlier, I don't feel like that I have to go everywhere and check everything out!!! Also, my friend is one of those mega-chilled people, and she just looks after me (so I don't have to use my brain much!) ... hopefully, by next Sunday, when I reconnect with my London life, I will still be at peace and more within it (than I was when I left London!).
But because I have been to New York 2 years earlier, I don't feel like that I have to go everywhere and check everything out!!! Also, my friend is one of those mega-chilled people, and she just looks after me (so I don't have to use my brain much!) ... hopefully, by next Sunday, when I reconnect with my London life, I will still be at peace and more within it (than I was when I left London!).
03 November 2006
anyway ...
... from Mother Teresa, absolutely beautiful ...
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may Accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final end,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may Accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final end,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
01 November 2006
Prospeso's farewell ...
... from The Tempest ... I randomly read it on the tube and it is beautiful ...
"Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Ye all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep"
"Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Ye all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep"
31 October 2006
the year of magical thinking ...
... is a book by Joan Didion. It is about the author's grief when she lost her husband after he had a sudden massive heart attack., It is about her year of magical thinking, wishing that she can bring him back from death ...
I read the first 60 pages at Borders last night (Foyles did not stock it ~ the information guy thought that it was a self-help book?!? I was liked ... hmm, no ...), and I didn't buy it, as its emotion was just too raw, too deep, too painful to be reading passively.
Yet, it got me thinking. Most of us live in a world of magical thinking - I believe most people have a wish sub/consciously that they are working on or hoping for. For some, it may be to become famous beyond all costs, to live for their loved one (we have a patient with end staged multiple sclerosis (long going neurological illness), and basically, he does not move one flicker of muscle or engage with the outside world. Yet, his wife continues to live for him, and she broke down when we explained that he is very unwell, as she feels that if he goes, her life will end too. Very depressing, but at the same time, to love so intensely in one's life may be a good thing), to find peace within oneself, to build peace in another country ...
I have just finished "an artist of the floating world" by Kazuo Ishiguro and its overriding point is that "we have the satisfaction of knowing that whatever we did, we did at the time in best of faith. Of course, we took some bold steps and often did things with much singlemindness; but this is surely preferable to never putting one' s conviction deeply enough, for lack of will or courage. When one holds convictions deeply enough, there surely comes a point when it is despicable to prevaricate further". (The fictionious artist was involved in Japanese imperialism).
With magical thinking, it suggests that the wishes at hands are unachievable, but maybe to believe in something so passionately yet undertake no actions, may be more detrimental ultimately. But hey, today is Halloween Day - a day of magic ...
I read the first 60 pages at Borders last night (Foyles did not stock it ~ the information guy thought that it was a self-help book?!? I was liked ... hmm, no ...), and I didn't buy it, as its emotion was just too raw, too deep, too painful to be reading passively.
Yet, it got me thinking. Most of us live in a world of magical thinking - I believe most people have a wish sub/consciously that they are working on or hoping for. For some, it may be to become famous beyond all costs, to live for their loved one (we have a patient with end staged multiple sclerosis (long going neurological illness), and basically, he does not move one flicker of muscle or engage with the outside world. Yet, his wife continues to live for him, and she broke down when we explained that he is very unwell, as she feels that if he goes, her life will end too. Very depressing, but at the same time, to love so intensely in one's life may be a good thing), to find peace within oneself, to build peace in another country ...
I have just finished "an artist of the floating world" by Kazuo Ishiguro and its overriding point is that "we have the satisfaction of knowing that whatever we did, we did at the time in best of faith. Of course, we took some bold steps and often did things with much singlemindness; but this is surely preferable to never putting one' s conviction deeply enough, for lack of will or courage. When one holds convictions deeply enough, there surely comes a point when it is despicable to prevaricate further". (The fictionious artist was involved in Japanese imperialism).
With magical thinking, it suggests that the wishes at hands are unachievable, but maybe to believe in something so passionately yet undertake no actions, may be more detrimental ultimately. But hey, today is Halloween Day - a day of magic ...
24 October 2006
a life without me ...
... is an amazing film (I seem to say that for every film I ever watched?!?). It is a very plain story, about a young mother dying from cancer, leaving her two children and husband behind ... very simple, nothing fancy (ie. no twist in plots etc), but very touching ... it makes you realise how much she is going to lose, and this sense of loss is conveyed in all the gestures she did in trying to hold on to life ... as she said, "the death has no regrets".
It also bought home for me how patients react to doctors. Relatives always only want to talk to you after 5pm. Some days I stayed behind and explained, but there are days in which I still have 10 millions things to do (blood forms, update the list, chase up all the blood results ...) Today, a relative asked me why his father was being given huge trunk of meat, when he is having difficulties to swallow. I was liked - "I don't know, you would have to ask the nurses". I suppose I could have taken more initiative in helping him out, instead of just asking the nurses to deal with it. It is such a fine line to draw, since otherwise, I set an awful precedent in dealing with patients after hours, and they can become quite unreasonable and demand to see a doctor over the weekend etc .. hmm, don't know ...
It also bought home for me how patients react to doctors. Relatives always only want to talk to you after 5pm. Some days I stayed behind and explained, but there are days in which I still have 10 millions things to do (blood forms, update the list, chase up all the blood results ...) Today, a relative asked me why his father was being given huge trunk of meat, when he is having difficulties to swallow. I was liked - "I don't know, you would have to ask the nurses". I suppose I could have taken more initiative in helping him out, instead of just asking the nurses to deal with it. It is such a fine line to draw, since otherwise, I set an awful precedent in dealing with patients after hours, and they can become quite unreasonable and demand to see a doctor over the weekend etc .. hmm, don't know ...
20 October 2006
surprise ...
... I haven't had a "man-made" surprise for ages ... maybe since I left Cambridge. I suppose that as you get older, it takes more to surprise you ... but there is always a sunrise, a flower, a song on the street, which touches you out of the blue, and reminds you of better times.
Tonight, a girl and her boyfriend (who I met at Australia), randomly knocked at my door!!! We had a short chat outside of my flat, as it was a complete tip (so I couldn't really invite her in), but it was sooo nice to see her and to talk ... and it was not something which was organised 2-3 weeks in advance ... so spontaneous, so simple, yet, it really cheers me up ...
So, do something spontaneous today ... to bring a smile to someone's face :)
Tonight, a girl and her boyfriend (who I met at Australia), randomly knocked at my door!!! We had a short chat outside of my flat, as it was a complete tip (so I couldn't really invite her in), but it was sooo nice to see her and to talk ... and it was not something which was organised 2-3 weeks in advance ... so spontaneous, so simple, yet, it really cheers me up ...
So, do something spontaneous today ... to bring a smile to someone's face :)
19 October 2006
kids ...
... are such an interesting group of people. I bought some sweets for a daughter of someone at work (really random, but basically, she is a big fan of Hello Kitty, and I happened to have a tin of Hello Kitty sweets lying around at home. Don't ask me why I bought such a thing?!?!)
Anyway, this little 7 year old wrote me a card, with everyone from her family signing it ... kids something are sooo thoughtful that it can break your heart!! Receiving cards/letters from my friends is probably one of my favourite things, but they happen so far and few in between. So, she definitely made my day :) (and I am so glad that she has already learnt the art of letter sending!)
Anyway, this little 7 year old wrote me a card, with everyone from her family signing it ... kids something are sooo thoughtful that it can break your heart!! Receiving cards/letters from my friends is probably one of my favourite things, but they happen so far and few in between. So, she definitely made my day :) (and I am so glad that she has already learnt the art of letter sending!)
11 October 2006
being unwell ...
... is something I am pretty good at. I have been ill twice since August (cough for 3 weeks, and now I am feeling dizzy all the time, with a temperature - checked by the nurses on the ward!). Someone even said to me last week - "everytime I meet you, you are either coughing or have something wrong with you".
I don't know why either, but I have definitely picked up more bugs since I started working at the hospital (although not C.difficle or MRSA). The longest time at which I have been well was when I was away on summer holiday this year ~ staggering 8 weeks!
At least, this year, with no studying after work, I can crawl up in bed, watch dvd and have lots of hot chocolate (can't complain!) when I can't bear to face the world ...
I don't know why either, but I have definitely picked up more bugs since I started working at the hospital (although not C.difficle or MRSA). The longest time at which I have been well was when I was away on summer holiday this year ~ staggering 8 weeks!
At least, this year, with no studying after work, I can crawl up in bed, watch dvd and have lots of hot chocolate (can't complain!) when I can't bear to face the world ...
08 October 2006
在世界中心呼喊愛 ...
... crying out love, in the center of the world ...
is a pretty amazing film. I managed to dig up a really random version at my parents' house today, but if you can ever get hold of it, do (I can't find it on amazon) ... the storyline is a bit predictable, except for a pretty random ending, as it tries to tie up the loose ends. It is a film which leads to lots and lots of tears, but then, what do you expect from a film with such a title?!?
But the cinema work is amazing and it does make one believe in eternity (although maybe in a hopeless kind of way) ...
anyway, if you know me and want to borrow it, just give me a shout :)
is a pretty amazing film. I managed to dig up a really random version at my parents' house today, but if you can ever get hold of it, do (I can't find it on amazon) ... the storyline is a bit predictable, except for a pretty random ending, as it tries to tie up the loose ends. It is a film which leads to lots and lots of tears, but then, what do you expect from a film with such a title?!?
But the cinema work is amazing and it does make one believe in eternity (although maybe in a hopeless kind of way) ...
anyway, if you know me and want to borrow it, just give me a shout :)
04 October 2006
Crash ...
Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep ......
Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep ......
And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep ......
And the silence,
or your secrets, well
raise a worry hand.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
to who you thought you were.
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep ......
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep ......
Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep ......
And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep ......
And the silence,
or your secrets, well
raise a worry hand.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
to who you thought you were.
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep ......
02 October 2006
Kandinsky@Tate ...
... is a pretty amazing exhibition. I caught it on the last day (typical of my well-organised life!), and it was dazzling. He is famous for abstract painting (see the picture above - Cossacks 1910–11 Tate © ADAGP, Paris and DACS, London 2006), and I am sadly not its biggest fans. The exhibition traces his development from landscape to abstraction, and some of his paintings from the in-between periods are literally mind-blowing. My favourite is a tiny painting called "Moscow, Red Square", with its amazing bright light and colourful background, such a sense of hope ...
30 September 2006
unrealistic ...
... was how someone described me yesterday. It upset me (although I am a bit fragile in general this week), as it is a very accurate and truthful description of my life, in all aspects. A kinder friend said that I am just optimstic, but the former is probably more true. I want everything to be perfect in the world, and I sincerely hope that it will be so, trying to create a perfect surrounding for those I love, bringing a smile to their faces.
Yet, I am constantly let down, by myself, by others, and sometimes, by life itself. On Friday night, I was asked to see a patient on my ward. She was found lifeless in a chair, stone cold (although just an hour ago, she was talking and reading a magazine). The rawness of death, the helplessness ... we started CPR and I prayed and prayed that we will bring her back (and we did) ... when the family arrived, with their sadness, she was slowly drifting into the world of unconsciousness ...
all those tears ... seeing their mother with 10 millions tubes, talking through the options, signing the "Do not resuscitate" order ...
was it right to resus her? was it right to pray that she will survive? Has God answered my prayer? Thus, did my unrealism create more pain for the family?
Yet, I am constantly let down, by myself, by others, and sometimes, by life itself. On Friday night, I was asked to see a patient on my ward. She was found lifeless in a chair, stone cold (although just an hour ago, she was talking and reading a magazine). The rawness of death, the helplessness ... we started CPR and I prayed and prayed that we will bring her back (and we did) ... when the family arrived, with their sadness, she was slowly drifting into the world of unconsciousness ...
all those tears ... seeing their mother with 10 millions tubes, talking through the options, signing the "Do not resuscitate" order ...
was it right to resus her? was it right to pray that she will survive? Has God answered my prayer? Thus, did my unrealism create more pain for the family?
26 September 2006
life drawing ...
... went to my first ever class today and it was sooo much fun. I was so bad at it, that it was kinda funny?!?! It is interesting to observe how bad you can be at something ... In my 24 years' life, I have proved to be useless in driving (my driving instructor said that I give him heart-attacks and he asked me to quit, as I would never pass), map-reading, Spanish (I failed my mock GCSE paper, with a "F"), aural test in piano exams (I have done every grade from I to VII and have never passed the aural component!), drawing (my mum did all of my drawing homework while I was little. When I was at boarding school, my mate did it for me), cooking (hmm, anyone who has tried it will know) ...
... there are 10 millions other things I am not good at, but this is what makes life beautiful, as it shows that we cannot exist on our own, but to rely on each other, to get us through each single day ...
... there are 10 millions other things I am not good at, but this is what makes life beautiful, as it shows that we cannot exist on our own, but to rely on each other, to get us through each single day ...
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