unrealistic ...

... was how someone described me yesterday. It upset me (although I am a bit fragile in general this week), as it is a very accurate and truthful description of my life, in all aspects. A kinder friend said that I am just optimstic, but the former is probably more true. I want everything to be perfect in the world, and I sincerely hope that it will be so, trying to create a perfect surrounding for those I love, bringing a smile to their faces.

Yet, I am constantly let down, by myself, by others, and sometimes, by life itself. On Friday night, I was asked to see a patient on my ward. She was found lifeless in a chair, stone cold (although just an hour ago, she was talking and reading a magazine). The rawness of death, the helplessness ... we started CPR and I prayed and prayed that we will bring her back (and we did) ... when the family arrived, with their sadness, she was slowly drifting into the world of unconsciousness ...

all those tears ... seeing their mother with 10 millions tubes, talking through the options, signing the "Do not resuscitate" order ...

was it right to resus her? was it right to pray that she will survive? Has God answered my prayer? Thus, did my unrealism create more pain for the family?

life drawing ...

... went to my first ever class today and it was sooo much fun. I was so bad at it, that it was kinda funny?!?! It is interesting to observe how bad you can be at something ... In my 24 years' life, I have proved to be useless in driving (my driving instructor said that I give him heart-attacks and he asked me to quit, as I would never pass), map-reading, Spanish (I failed my mock GCSE paper, with a "F"), aural test in piano exams (I have done every grade from I to VII and have never passed the aural component!), drawing (my mum did all of my drawing homework while I was little. When I was at boarding school, my mate did it for me), cooking (hmm, anyone who has tried it will know) ...

... there are 10 millions other things I am not good at, but this is what makes life beautiful, as it shows that we cannot exist on our own, but to rely on each other, to get us through each single day ...

being late ...

... is probably one of my really really bad habits. My lateness can range from several seconds to over an hour (pretty unacceptable!). I seem to have no concept of time (in transport terms), and most of the times, I ended up getting lost and spent another 30 minutes, trying to figure out where I am. I am therefore one of those people who ask 10 millions people for direction and still have no idea what is happening ...

Today, I was 5 minutes late for a resus course, and I was not allowed in. The feeling was terrible, as you felt rejected because of your own failure (= being late). I was really lost at this massive hospital (Hammersmith Hospital, for those of you in the known, is a complete maze!), but still, I should have been more prepared etc ... so yeah, my resolution for now is not to be late, and to be early ... (hmm, hopefully, none of my friends actually reads my blog and demands a change in my action ...)

a very random day ...

... woke up this morning crying?!?! I am not one of those people who cry all the time (unless I am watching a film or reading a book or something really upsets me) and I can't remember what I was crying about in my dream?!?! It definitely has to do with work, as I was in the hospital, and was so upset that I couldn't stop crying when I woke up??!

a great start to the day ... had a lovely cello lesson and then crawled back to bed ... I am just drained, after working 12 days back to back, doing 9-7 or 7.30-10 shifts. Finally crawled out of bed to meet a friend for dinner. We spent 30 minutes trying to find each other at Waterloo, then once we did, she didn't want to go to the restaurant. I then took her somewhere else (which she didn't seem to like either!), so I asked her to choose anywhere, but she just wouldn't. Then, the strangest thing of all happened - I flipped!!!! I am not the best temper person on earth, but I don't really ever get mad at people, as I normally try to keep everything under control. We still have a fun evening, ending up with Thai food and spiced apple teas!! :) She was more shocked than mad at me, but I do feel very bad, as she is a great mate and I have no rights to behave the way I did.

Going back to bed ... as I am seeing 4 different people tomorrow for teas, lunch and tennis, so I don't want to flip at anyone!!!!

inside I am dancing ...

... a most interesting film. It is about 2 guys in wheelchairs and how they try to form an independent life. Its plot is predictable, but it got me thinking. I have a 95 years old patient who refuses any food or drink, as she wants to die. So, we get into this cycle in which she becomes dehydrated in the nursing home and get sent to the hospital. The family wants to know if there is any way we can break the cycle. We are not really doing much medically, except giving her subcutaneous fluids (as she pulls all of her drips out), but it is not working, as all of the fluids just stays in her tummy (instead of being absorbed). I was really confused as to why the family wouldn't let her go? We can put a tube down her thorat to feed her, but it is really uncomfortable and she doesn't want it. She just wants to go. The film, on the other hand, is so full of hope. One of the main characters knows he will die pretty soon (as he has Duchene muscular dystrophy - a rare genetic musclar disorder), but he still tries so hard to become independent, to live a life that he wants it. Yet, this lady doesn't want to. (Okay, there is a large age difference). I really do not know when we should draw the line. Should we keep her coming and going from hospital? Sometimes, we seem to keep someone alive for the sake of those around ...

On a slightly different note, one of my patients had a stroke and refuses all rehabitation (physio etc). She has got huge rehab potential if she tries, but she just said that "I am a cripple, let me go". It makes me wonder as to what I will be like when I am old? Will I still be motivated or given up all hopes?

Care of the Elderly does drain you out ...

people ...

... are always full of surprises. I have a very bad habit in that I always try to "guess" someone's personality, views, opinions etc ... ie. jumping into conclusion about someone. About 70% of the times, I am right, but sometimes I am pleasantly surprised. I will meet someone who I don't think I will be able to talk to (ie. assuming they are way too serious, or extreme in their views, or very cool etc), and have some amazing conversations. They sometimes even clear some misconceptions I have about the world, and change my views forever ...

Maybe that is because I have less expectation ... and as I am not trying to impress them, I really listen to their views and see things from their angles.

However, I am also greatly disappointed today. A friend of mine texted me this morning and said that "the moon will change colour at 8 tonight, as the moon is at its closet to earth in 16 years". I did look and it didn't change colour. I texted all of mates about it (one doesn't have many "16 years"!), and only one guy actually said he will look ... so yeah, he is probably as sad as me, but at least, we still believe and hope ...

My cough ...

... has lingered for over a week now. It sounds awful. I just coughed like nutes all day. Once I was explaining to a patient's relatives re: prognosis of their father, my cough was so bad that they actually stopped asking questions and just stared at me. Last night, I went to a relatively posh restuarant, and the waiter though I was choking myself. It is kinda strange to be ill and working in a hospital, as nurses gave me medications, made me tea and put some cakes aside just for me. So, everyone is looking after me :)

A friend of mine is staying with me in a few days' time, so hopefully, my cough will get better by then, as otherwise she won't get any sleep!!!

The bell ...

... is a book by Iris Murdoch. A quite interesting book (I am not a big fan of her writing) about faith, homosexuality, religious etc. Towards the very end of the novel, (probably not a vital point for the book) she describes about Dora's feeling towards Michael and she wrote, "She had waited sadly, but with a sense of the inevitable, for the ending of her time with Michael. She loved him with a quiet undemanding hopelesness. After so much pain and violence his very inaccessibility was consoling".

I was quite surprised by the sentiment expressed, as in our world, most people will think that it is pointless (ie. to love someone and not be loved in return, or to help, to contribute etc). Even in helping the developing worlds, saving the planet etc, it is all to make a better society for our children (I am not saying that it is a bad motivation). It seems to be such a change to do something without any motive, without any hope, without any demand, although you can argue that for Dora, there is a reason behind it, as it was "consoling" ...

we do live in a complicated world, don't you think?

after bank holiday ...

... I went to work and it was such a wonderful feeling to see that all of my patients are still alive. I was quite worried about this lady with leukaemia & neutropenia, and wasn't sure if she would made it through the weekend, but she did :)

This is probably the hardest thing about medicine (for me anyway), as sometimes, no matter what you do; give them 24 hours care, connect them to the most amazing monitors, with ten billions drugs at hands, if someone has to go, they go ...

I shall have another "unknown" moment tomorrow, when I go into the ward, and scan the list of patients, seeing if the usual names are still up there. There is a patient who we are worried about tonight. Contacting the family was heartbreaking this afternoon, as they wanted some definite news from you (ie. will she make it through tonight?). Everyone tried to be reasonable, but in their voices, there was a trace of hope, praying that you would say something positive ...

flowers@the tube ...

… I have been buying flowers for my friends recently (for birthdays, dinners etc), and I get to carry them in the tube :) Tiger Lilly (definitely my favourite!) has such an amazing fragrance … it makes the whole carriage smells so lovely, and all those delays so much more bearable!

smoking ...

... is one of those topics which invokes all sorts of emotions from people. I have friends who will not go out with someone who smoke, some will even split up with them, if their other half becomes a smoker?!?! I personally have no problem with it, as long as it is not in my face, although I am not its strongest fan, given its health implication etc. Yet, I always wonder what do people think about when they are having a fag outside the office etc? They always seem to be deep in thoughts ...

a bad day ...

... today definitely comes close. Maybe a better word to describe is "overwhelming". I have to make some constructive comments to a friend (which didn't go down well at all), failed many times to get an arterial blood gas, rang up a GP surgery 10 millions times, to reach a locum who didn't have a clue about the patient ... To top it off, a patient's family told me off for ages, about some medications not being given over the weekend, when I was off duty ...

So, that is my day ... it is not my happiest day, and at some point, I did feel like crying, but hey, life moves on and tomorrow is another day, as Scarlett O'Hara said :)

family ...

... is a funny business. So complicated ~ apparently 72 different types of family structures exist nowadays. 1/2 marriages in the West end in divorces. I don't know if it is because we all want to be loved in a way that we are not. Looking at my own parents, it is hard to say if they are truly happy with each other; the rows, the disappointments, the pain, the heartaches ... my friends' parents don't seem to fare much better. Yet, the start of each relationship is so full of promises, hopes, love ... what happen to them? just disappear without a trace? Or do we just need to try a little bit harder? Maybe Mother Teresa is right in that "do not think that love to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is love without getting tired".

tomorrow ...

... is the day at which I will start working as a doctor (sorry, it is highly exciting for a medic!). I went in to shadow the doctors today, and it seems like an ideal first job. Care of the Elderly is really slow pace (which doesn't suit my personality!), but it does mean I don't have to rush and can try to do a good job. I think I will need the confidence to know that I can do it?!?! Sometimes, in life, the unexpected nature in which how things turn out is always better than we can ever plan or imagine, showing someone else greater is in charge!

one of those days ...

… at which I didn’t manage to achieve much, but soooo enjoyable. All it involves are catching up with friends, writing cards, reading (a short history of tractors in Ukrainian ~ not bad, very light), listening to my-pretty-awful-music selection (aka Cantonese pop, James Blunt, Coldplay, cello pieces …), tidying up the flat (moving everything from the suitcases into the wardrobes ~ a highly complicated process!), sorting out my photos (and remembering the wonderful times they represent), eat to my heart’s contents …

I should have been at the affiliation ceremony at South Kensington, spending time with my year, celebrating graduation (again?!?), but as my parents are away, there is no obligation to go, and I don’t fancy clapping at least 300 times, and saying “good byes” all over again. It was emotionally draining enough at our final year ball, and to do it again does require a lot of courage, which sadly, I do not have.

So, I hope that the motto for IC medics from the year 2006: “the best portion of a good person’s life; their little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness & love” (Wordsworth)

dashing to a BBQ in a few minutes …

last day @ hong kong ...

... woo ... this is going to be my last ever proper mega long summre holiday, unless I take some time off etc .. and this one has been amazing. I have met some truly original people, saw some amazing sunrise/set & God's creation, been to some interesting restaurants, had endless number of hot-chocolates, on top of random conversations and drives ... it has opened my eyes to many different possibilties of living, and challenged me to re-examine my life and priorities ...

For now, life continues ... since coming back from Melbourne, my London life has been contacting me, and everything is kinda back in track ... hopefully, I will have time to reflect on everything and keep in touch with those who matter ...

can't believe I will be working in a few days' time ... a bit unsure but definitely exciting ...

last day @ sydney ...

... can't believe that I am leaving! The holiay seems to have passed in a mist, but in a good way (soo good that I haven't written my blog at all!). Managed to see quite a bit of Sydney, but didn't try anything outrangeous (sorry, but the water is too freezing cold!!) From the conference itself, I learned a lot (which I suppose must be a good thing), not just about God, being a doctor, but also my own weakness (definitely vital!) and what is important for me ...

So, definitely all worthwhile, and lots of things to reflect on ... but catch my flight to Melbourne for now :)

as times goes by ...

... the song from Casablanca ...

"You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss,
a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by."

Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

business ...

is such an interesting word! I was trying to write "busy-ness", but it turned out to be "business". Sometimes, English language can be so unpredictable, it is actually unbelieveable! :)

Life has been very hectic, since coming back from Brussels in mid-June ... There were so many errands to run (they have been piling up since revision started), on top of celebrating, filling 10 millions forms for the job, packing etc etc. It all became kinda crazy.

Things didn't really get any better when I arrived at Hong Kong, as there was more errands ... but suddenly, the last few days, I can just read (highly recommend "I capture the castle" by Dodie Smith, not sure about "Dubliners" by James Joyce), watch TV (for those who don't know me, I don't have a TV at my flat in London. So I have been catching up on pop culture ie. "ER", "House", "24"), eat, sleep and take pictures. I will try to pull my act together and write some entertaining blogs (as my last entry is just random!!)

To be honest, this is not really interesting either, but hey, at least it is a start! :)

hong kong ...

... is in the swing of blazing summer heat. I haven't been back for just under three years, and everything seems so different; the sight, the smell, the taste and the people ... everyone is mega efficient (to put it mildly!), and it does make one feel constantly tired, with so many stimulants for your senses.