storm ...

... is raging through London, bringing with it plently of rain and time for reflection ... I also read this line today ~

"storms are a punishment for us so that we should feel the fear of God"

... in the Royal Opera House's summer brochure for "Katya Kabanova" ...

mistakes ..

... are strange strange things ... there are so many levels to it ... some are so trivial that you forget about it the next day (like walking into a lamp-post, picking the wrong sandwiches or just generally getting confused) and may even laugh about it the next day ... but there are some which are serious, coming back to haunt you days/weeks/years later ... you regret it, feel sad, and somehow, your life continues to stay in that position, like a car without petrol ...

... it is hard to know what to do ... but ultimately, I suppose you have to accept that you have made a mistake, leant to forgive yourself, and believe that there is someone else out there who is in control, than just you and your own helplessness ...

WALL-E ...

... is the name of the next Pixar animation ... and it will not come out until 2008, but it sounds awesome ... I read about it in the Times and I just can't wait to see it ...

It is about this tiny little robort who has been doing his job (collecting rubbish) faithfully for the last 700 years, without knowing what he is on earth really really for ... it does sound like one of us, doesn't it? Wall-e does fall in love with another robort called "Eve", so there is magic and hope in the air ... well, at least in an animation ...

the more loving one ...

... by Auden ... my favourite poet of all time ... this poem transports you to a summer night sky with such love and hope, despite the raindrops outside, and the cold ... but at least my psychiatry paper is finally finished ...

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

~ Auden

Whistle for the Choir ...

... by The Fratellis is a pretty amazing song - soooo happy and hopeful ...

"Well it's a big big city and it's always the same
Can never be too pretty tell me you your name
Is it out of line if I were so bold to say "Would you be mine"?

Because I may be a beggar and you maybe the queen
I know I maybe on a downer am still ready to dream
Now it's 3 o'clock time it takes for you to talk

So if you're lonely why'd you say your not lonely
Oh your a silly girl, I know I hurt it so
It's just like you to come
And go you know me no you don't even know me
Your so sweet to try, oh my, you caught my eye
A girl like you's just irresistible

Well it's a big big city and the lights are all out
But it's much as I can do you know to figure you out
And I must confess, my hearts in broken pieces
And my heads a mess

And it's 4 in the morning, and I'm walking along
Beside the ghost of every drinker here who has ever done wrong
And it's you, woo hoo
That's got me going crazy for the things you do

So if your crazy I don't care you amaze me
Oh your a stupid girl, oh me, oh my, you talk I die, you smile, you laugh, I cry
And only, a girl like you could be lonely
And it's a crying shame, if you would think the same
A boy like me's just irresistible

So if your lonely, why'd you say you're not lonely
Oh your a silly girl, I know I hurt it so
It's just like you to come and go
And know me, no you don't even know me
Your so sweet to try oh my, you caught my eye
A girl like you's just irresistible"

being practical ...

... is definitely not my cup of tea. I spent an hour sorting out my mobile phone bill today ~ I did have the most helpful assistant on earth ... he was liked ~ hmm, your bill is £90 ... because you bought things with your phone?!?, made £13 worth of calls in one go, have subscriptions which you didn't even know exist ...

For example, I am subscribed to mobile TV, but "I don't even have TV in my flat" (he was liked - "TV on your mobile dear"). When I couldn't unsubscribe via the internet, despite clear instruction from him, he was "hmm, via your mobile". So there you are. The worst thing is that he kept on calling me "Doctor ... doctor ..." ... sometimes I think I am an embrassement to my profession ... Oh well, never mind, at least I can claim to be a star in blood taking ... (which is what I have learnt from vascular surgery ~ a very important life skill!)

Closure ...

... is an interesting thing and sometimes, they happen without us realising it ... They do tend to come when it is least expected, like rains falling on a sunny day, but most of the times, they are essential and vital for the continuity of the day-to-day life ...

This week has been a major wake up call for me (seeing a few long-lost friends, having a patient dying randomly, being honest with how I feel/what I struggle with, realising what I miss, learning the harsh reality of work ...) ... In the past year or so, I have been running away ... but the long hand has finally turned to "12", and it is chiming for me to face up to them. It will involve a substantial amount of thinking and exploring ... and it will hurt, as holes in myself, my faith, and the world will be found ... but I need to close this ambiguous chapter of my life, need to reassess where I stand, what I believe and how to continue ...

it is going to be a long long road, but hey, a pretty relaxed bank holiday weekend is definitely the way forward ...

vascular surgery ...

... is pretty awful ... really not enjoying the firm ... the shouting, the randomness (our operating list metamorphoses 3 times in a day), the meaningless (preparing for meetings where no one actually listens to what you have to say), the lack of facilities (not enough papers, chairs, blood forms, computers in a windowless room for 10 people), the long hours (to be honest, we are only doing 11 hours day at the moment, so it is not the end of the world), the brutalness (telling a patient that we are going to chop off all of her toes in 3 days' time ~ all in one sentence), the boringness of it all ... each morning, I wake up and start to dread the walk into 4 south more and more ...

But then, I went out for a drink tonight, and suddenly, the world seems like a brighter place ... work is still rubbish, people are still not great, one is still going to get hurt, with a lot of uncertainties circulating around the world, but I do have some wonderful friends, the sun is going to come out soon, and afterall, only 73 more days to go ....

An arundel tomb ...

... an amazing poems ... evoking the feeling that all things are possible ... actually based on a tomb in Chicester Cathedral ~ may go and visit it in the summer ...

"Side by side, their faces blurred,
The earl and countess lie in stone,
Their proper habits vaguely shown
As jointed armour, stiffened pleat,
And that faint hint of the absurd -
The little dogs under their feet.

Such plainness of the pre-baroque
Hardly involves the eye, until
It meets his left-hand gauntlet, still
Clasped empty in the other; and
One sees, with a sharp tender shock,
His hand withdrawn, holding her hand.

They would not think to lie so long.
Such faithfulness in effigy
Was just a detail friends would see:
A sculptor's sweet commissioned grace
Thrown off in helping to prolong
The Latin names around the base.

They would not guess how early in
Their supine stationary voyage
The air would change to soundless damage,
Turn the old tenantry away;
How soon succeeding eyes begin
To look, not read. Rigidly, they

Persisted, linked, through lengths and breadths
Of time. Snow fell, undated. Light
Each summer thronged the glass. A bright
Litter of birdcalls strewed the same
Bone-riddled ground. And up the paths
The endless altered people came,

Washing at their identity.
Now, helpless in the hollow of
An unarmorial age, a trough
Of smoke in slow suspended skeins
Above their scrap of history,
Only an attitude remains:

Time has transfigured them into
Untruth. The stone fidelity
They hardly meant has come to be
Their final blazon, and to prove
Our almost-instinct almost true:
What will survive of us is love."

~ Larkin

sad steps ...

"Groping back to bed after a piss
I part thick curtains, and am startled by
The rapid clouds, the moon's cleanliness.

Four o'clock: wedge-shadowed gardens lie
Under a cavernous, a wind-picked sky.
There's something laughable about this,

The way the moon dashes through clouds that blow
Loosely as cannon-smoke to stand apart
(Stone-coloured light sharpening the roofs below)

High and preposterous and separate -
Lozenge of love! Medallion of art!
O wolves of memory! Immensements! No,

One shivers slightly, looking up there.
The hardness and the brightness and the plain
Far-reaching singleness of that wide stare

Is a reminder of the strength and pain
Of being young; that it can't come again,
But is for others undiminished somewhere."

~ Larkin

Florence ...

... had a pretty amazing holiday - can't really complain when the combination consists of renaissance art, awesome architecture, lots of sun, on top of pasta and ice-cream ... but I missed the following during my travel:

• tea - my selection of fruit tea, herbal tea, Earl Grey, Lady Grey, random Chinese tea ... (coffee is just not an equivalent - not even Italian ones)
• texting & picking up my phone to talk to my friends ~ although my travelling buddy is lovely; calm, patient, can defuse any situation, can read a map, can fix my camera, has a bag which has everything I ever wanted, can motivate me to walk even when I don't want to.
• St Helens - all those Gothic churches with lots of icons have a gloomy atmosphere.
• all of my books - I really wanted to read some scenes from "a room with a view".
• English newspaper - going to bed with one now :)

But I survived without the above for a week ... so maybe it wasn't too bad afterall ...

sun ...

... comes out today ... it has been around for a while, but due to various reasons (mainly work!), I haven't had an afternoon off, at which I just sit under the sun, reading the paper, chatting and generally, not doing very much ...

It reminds me of the installation which Olafur Eliasson did at Tate Modern back in 2004. He created "The Weather Project" in which lots of lights are used to create a sun, with a mist filling the space. It was an amazing project ~ you could see the dense yellow lights and felt the warmth it created. It did indeed make London seem less cold that winter ... although looking at the current environmental issues, we may have to resort to having an artificial sun for our summer in 20-30 years' time, and look back at these summer days with nostalgia.

All sounding really depressing - must be the effect of going to a party ... I get really nervous (and therefore hyper) while I am out, and then I just get kinda sad ... maybe I do have bipolar disorder ... hmm ...

building up a safety zone ...

... is what I do best. I am so good at it that it really hit me when it falls apart. This week, I suddenly see a few people every night (quite unexpectedly) and now, because of the Easter holiday, I won't see them for ages. Also, my work partner is on annual leave from tomorrow. So, suddnely, it feels like that everyone is away and I just found it really upsetting. The fact that my presentation went into diasterous mode (when I personally thought that it was a very interesting presentation - for once!) does not really help or rectify the situation! Never mind. That is indeed life ... I just have to try to build a comfort zone around myself, with no friends :(

Maybe, I will just go and watch Grey's anatomy instead - a much simpler option ...

The History of love ...

... "So many words get lost. They leave the mouth and lose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves. On rainy days you can hear their chorus rushing past: IwasabeautifulgirlPleasedon'tgoItoobelievemybodyismadeofglassI'veneverlovedanyoneIthinkofmyselfas funnyForgive me ...."

An amazing beginning - it made me want to find the "The History of Love" and read about it ...

dream on ... all those unspoken words flowing in mid-air ...

losing my mobile ...

... is a kinda random experience. I suppose it is a bit liked being at the middle-of-nowhere (ie. with no reception). It is harder to organise my life, but it does free out a lot of free times! For example, instead of sending meaningless texts to my mates, I read the paper (which must be more productive for both myself and the receivers!)

... it does make my on-call quite lonely today, as there was no text to greet me after running around the ward. But then, to be honest, I haven't done anything medical during my on-call tonight, except for taking some blood and talking to some relatives. But fear not, I am not wasting the good old NHS money, as I have just finished a Mortality & Morbidity presentation for tomorrow ... the surgeons rang me at 3pm and said "by the way, I would like a presentation tomorrow ...(which is kinda typical). But I did receive some really nice emails (as I have lost everyone's number).

As for now, all the jobs are done and it is time for home :) But, my phone shall be delivered tomorrow, so back to random texts days!

How slow are you?

... is an article in "The Times" today ... it is a pretty interesting quiz for you to see "how slow are you?"

http://www.slowlondon.com/quiz.php

Do check it out if you have time. I have an amazingly slow Saturday ... woke up at 12, took 1.5 hours to get out of the flat (we surfed the net, answered some emails, actually brushed my hair ...), had a long long lunch, leisurely stroll around Battersea Park and finished off the day with plum tarts and teas ... can life be more perfect?

But my slow approach to life caught up with me in the evening - when I was late for my friend's dinner party; involved a substantial amount of running to catch the buses, buying some random drinks in a supermarket, and organising a lesson for tomorrow in the middle of the night ... but hey, I still prefer to trade a few hours of slowness with a few hours of rush and manic ...

avenue q ...

... from Kate Monster ...

There is a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
There is a fine, fine line
between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale, and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".
I guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime.

But there's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh ...

There's a fine, fine line
between together,
and not.
And there's a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,
and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime.

There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time.

future ...

... is indeed full of uncertainity. The medics were all depressed at the pub tonight, as we are currently in a sinking boat of "waiting to hear about jobs, not being short-listed, going somewhere you don't want to go, doing something you don't want to do" ... the future being in a mist of fog, so unreachable, so unpredictable ...

I was reading The Screwtape Letters today, with an amazing passage: "He does not want men to give the Future their hearts, to place their treasure in it. We do. His ideal is a man who, having worked all day for the good of posterity (if that is his vocation), washes his mind of the whole subject, commits the issue to Heaven, and returns at once to the patience or gratitude demanded by the moment that is passing over him ... We want a whole race perpetually in pursuit of the rainbow's end, never honest, nor kind, nor happy now, but always using as mere fuel wherewith to heap the altar of the future every real gift which is offered them in the Present".

Everything seems so simple now - live for now, enjoy the moment, do the good work and trust the future in some greater hands than yours or mine ...

facebook ...

... I joined about 5 days ago and since then, I have spent a tremendous amount of time not-doing-much-but-surfing-the-site ... I haven't really gathered any new information, but it is liked reading "hello magazine" in that you kept on absorbing unusabe information!!! I suppose most people whom you want to talk to are on your phone/email/see-face-to-face, and those whom you try soooo hard to find, they are lost from you forever ... oh well, that is indeed life. But I think I would rather use those times to read something useful, so hmm, time to say good bye to facebook ...

Borough market ...

... is pretty amazing ... have been wanting to go there for ages, but everytime I go, it is always around closing time ... but I finally make it there today, and it definitely lived up to expectation (unlike most things in life, which tend to be anti-climax) ... loved it; the crowds, the food, the smell, the noise ... there was sooo much stuffs to try (okay, mainly cheese, but still they are good) and we found the most gorgeous cake shop; wooden floor, cottage cupboards, lots of roses, funky teaports ... what more can one hope for ...

The friend I went with is a pretty amazing cook, so we came up with lots of ideas for things that I can cook (as I am a pretty incompetent cook) ... so hopefully, I will be inviting people over for dinner etc, as I am now inspired!