looking back at the year ...

... (the day before the year actually ends!) ... 2006 has been an interesting year. The first half was spent in the library, absorbing medical knowledge which I still do not have, cutting out all social contacts, being amused with boredom ... then I graduated ... the second half began with travelling, meeting some amazing people, having responsibilties first time in my life, and facing deaths and suffering, knowing that I still do not cope well, and hoping some miracles will happen, taking away those agonies, kissing away those tears ...

... for now, my coping strategy involves sleeping, putting space between the day and myself ...

being ill ..

... must be my subspeciality ... Since August, I have been ill three times ... all of my colleagues know of my TB style cough (it took me 3 weeks to get rid of it and when I coughed, all of the patients would stop complaining about their problems and just stared at me).

Yesterday, on my day off, I developed something which I don't even know what it is called. I just couldn't function (maybe that is what people meant what they said that they are "generally unwell"). I even cancelled a sushi dinner :( and slept over 19 hours and today, I am not great, but at least, definitely smiling!

most frequently asked question ...

... for me , at the moment, beside "how are you?", is "why are you not with someone?". I am literally being asked that every other day, by everyone, from work, friends, random strangers ... To be honest, I don't know either ...

There has been people I like since my last relationship, but I am not motivated enough to do anything about it. Since starting clinical school, I have seen a lot of cases outside my usual life experience. The other day, I met a 40 years old alcoholic. You may think it is very common at A&E, and it is, but he was different. He was very well-kept, and I can imagine him to be a friend of mine, twenty years down the line. He has recently turned to alcohol, with his marriage breaking down and being made redundant (not entirely sure the cause and effect here). I contacted his parents about his discharge. His parents, however, refused to let him inside the home, and he was distraughted when he answered the phone.

I am not making any judgement, as it must be very difficult for his parents, since he can become violent when he is drunk, but it does make you question. When you are young, there are certain things in life you take as granted, and love is one of those things. You believe that some people will love you unconditionally, but as you grow older, you realise that it is not true ... it is one of those rare gifts in life. I have seen some beautiful relationships too, but most of the times, I fear that this gift will not be bestowed onto me, and hence, the reluctance to get involved, to become vulnerable, to be hurt ...

Lewis Carroll ....

... One of the secrets of life is that all that is really worth the doing is what we do for others.

sympathy ...

... was what I was reminded of yesterday. I have been really puzzled recently, as I had two patients who have to stay for an extra few days at hospital, because they were waiting for investigations or were not well enough to be discharged. They were both quite upset about it, and kept on saying "I am not happy". I actually got quite fed up with them, as they made me feel really bad (ie. I have let them down as a doctor), but there was no other way I could change the situation.

Anyway, I talked to a mate about it, and he was liked - they did not want you to apologise, but to empathise and understand what they are going through. Sometimes, as doctors, we tend to focus on what we can do, wanting to solve the problems at hand, instead of staying still and listen ...

Furnael blues ...

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

~ W. Auden ...

the wedding singer ...

... a musical I caught today at Broadway and this song was sung ... listening to it makes finding someone and growing old together seems so simple, so possible ... it reminds me of a patient of mine with Parkinson. I will always remember the sun rays shinning through his room, his wife by his side, holding his hands and talking, cherishing their times together ...

[Robbie]
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you, and even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you.

[Robbie & Julia]
I'll miss you, kiss you, take your shoes off and rub your feet.
Need you, feed you, and when we play checkers i'll let you cheat.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the one who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.

New york ...

... is a place where you associated with being hectic, so busy that you cannot breath. Yet, for some strange reasons, this holiday is one at which I feel completely at peace and refreshed. (Okay, it is true that I have been doing a lot of travelling - went down to washington on an overnight train for a 16 hours stay! It meant that I had a lot of time to think and listen to my ipod!)

But because I have been to New York 2 years earlier, I don't feel like that I have to go everywhere and check everything out!!! Also, my friend is one of those mega-chilled people, and she just looks after me (so I don't have to use my brain much!) ... hopefully, by next Sunday, when I reconnect with my London life, I will still be at peace and more within it (than I was when I left London!).

anyway ...

... from Mother Teresa, absolutely beautiful ...

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may Accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final end,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Prospeso's farewell ...

... from The Tempest ... I randomly read it on the tube and it is beautiful ...

"Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Ye all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep"

the year of magical thinking ...

... is a book by Joan Didion. It is about the author's grief when she lost her husband after he had a sudden massive heart attack., It is about her year of magical thinking, wishing that she can bring him back from death ...

I read the first 60 pages at Borders last night (Foyles did not stock it ~ the information guy thought that it was a self-help book?!? I was liked ... hmm, no ...), and I didn't buy it, as its emotion was just too raw, too deep, too painful to be reading passively.

Yet, it got me thinking. Most of us live in a world of magical thinking - I believe most people have a wish sub/consciously that they are working on or hoping for. For some, it may be to become famous beyond all costs, to live for their loved one (we have a patient with end staged multiple sclerosis (long going neurological illness), and basically, he does not move one flicker of muscle or engage with the outside world. Yet, his wife continues to live for him, and she broke down when we explained that he is very unwell, as she feels that if he goes, her life will end too. Very depressing, but at the same time, to love so intensely in one's life may be a good thing), to find peace within oneself, to build peace in another country ...

I have just finished "an artist of the floating world" by Kazuo Ishiguro and its overriding point is that "we have the satisfaction of knowing that whatever we did, we did at the time in best of faith. Of course, we took some bold steps and often did things with much singlemindness; but this is surely preferable to never putting one' s conviction deeply enough, for lack of will or courage. When one holds convictions deeply enough, there surely comes a point when it is despicable to prevaricate further". (The fictionious artist was involved in Japanese imperialism).

With magical thinking, it suggests that the wishes at hands are unachievable, but maybe to believe in something so passionately yet undertake no actions, may be more detrimental ultimately. But hey, today is Halloween Day - a day of magic ...

a life without me ...

... is an amazing film (I seem to say that for every film I ever watched?!?). It is a very plain story, about a young mother dying from cancer, leaving her two children and husband behind ... very simple, nothing fancy (ie. no twist in plots etc), but very touching ... it makes you realise how much she is going to lose, and this sense of loss is conveyed in all the gestures she did in trying to hold on to life ... as she said, "the death has no regrets".

It also bought home for me how patients react to doctors. Relatives always only want to talk to you after 5pm. Some days I stayed behind and explained, but there are days in which I still have 10 millions things to do (blood forms, update the list, chase up all the blood results ...) Today, a relative asked me why his father was being given huge trunk of meat, when he is having difficulties to swallow. I was liked - "I don't know, you would have to ask the nurses". I suppose I could have taken more initiative in helping him out, instead of just asking the nurses to deal with it. It is such a fine line to draw, since otherwise, I set an awful precedent in dealing with patients after hours, and they can become quite unreasonable and demand to see a doctor over the weekend etc .. hmm, don't know ...

surprise ...

... I haven't had a "man-made" surprise for ages ... maybe since I left Cambridge. I suppose that as you get older, it takes more to surprise you ... but there is always a sunrise, a flower, a song on the street, which touches you out of the blue, and reminds you of better times.

Tonight, a girl and her boyfriend (who I met at Australia), randomly knocked at my door!!! We had a short chat outside of my flat, as it was a complete tip (so I couldn't really invite her in), but it was sooo nice to see her and to talk ... and it was not something which was organised 2-3 weeks in advance ... so spontaneous, so simple, yet, it really cheers me up ...

So, do something spontaneous today ... to bring a smile to someone's face :)

kids ...

... are such an interesting group of people. I bought some sweets for a daughter of someone at work (really random, but basically, she is a big fan of Hello Kitty, and I happened to have a tin of Hello Kitty sweets lying around at home. Don't ask me why I bought such a thing?!?!)

Anyway, this little 7 year old wrote me a card, with everyone from her family signing it ... kids something are sooo thoughtful that it can break your heart!! Receiving cards/letters from my friends is probably one of my favourite things, but they happen so far and few in between. So, she definitely made my day :) (and I am so glad that she has already learnt the art of letter sending!)

being unwell ...

... is something I am pretty good at. I have been ill twice since August (cough for 3 weeks, and now I am feeling dizzy all the time, with a temperature - checked by the nurses on the ward!). Someone even said to me last week - "everytime I meet you, you are either coughing or have something wrong with you".

I don't know why either, but I have definitely picked up more bugs since I started working at the hospital (although not C.difficle or MRSA). The longest time at which I have been well was when I was away on summer holiday this year ~ staggering 8 weeks!

At least, this year, with no studying after work, I can crawl up in bed, watch dvd and have lots of hot chocolate (can't complain!) when I can't bear to face the world ...

在世界中心呼喊愛 ...

... crying out love, in the center of the world ...

is a pretty amazing film. I managed to dig up a really random version at my parents' house today, but if you can ever get hold of it, do (I can't find it on amazon) ... the storyline is a bit predictable, except for a pretty random ending, as it tries to tie up the loose ends. It is a film which leads to lots and lots of tears, but then, what do you expect from a film with such a title?!?

But the cinema work is amazing and it does make one believe in eternity (although maybe in a hopeless kind of way) ...

anyway, if you know me and want to borrow it, just give me a shout :)

Crash ...

Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep ......

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep ......

And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep ......

And the silence,
or your secrets, well
raise a worry hand.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
to who you thought you were.
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep ......

Kandinsky@Tate ...

... is a pretty amazing exhibition. I caught it on the last day (typical of my well-organised life!), and it was dazzling. He is famous for abstract painting (see the picture above - Cossacks 1910–11 Tate © ADAGP, Paris and DACS, London 2006), and I am sadly not its biggest fans. The exhibition traces his development from landscape to abstraction, and some of his paintings from the in-between periods are literally mind-blowing. My favourite is a tiny painting called "Moscow, Red Square", with its amazing bright light and colourful background, such a sense of hope ...

unrealistic ...

... was how someone described me yesterday. It upset me (although I am a bit fragile in general this week), as it is a very accurate and truthful description of my life, in all aspects. A kinder friend said that I am just optimstic, but the former is probably more true. I want everything to be perfect in the world, and I sincerely hope that it will be so, trying to create a perfect surrounding for those I love, bringing a smile to their faces.

Yet, I am constantly let down, by myself, by others, and sometimes, by life itself. On Friday night, I was asked to see a patient on my ward. She was found lifeless in a chair, stone cold (although just an hour ago, she was talking and reading a magazine). The rawness of death, the helplessness ... we started CPR and I prayed and prayed that we will bring her back (and we did) ... when the family arrived, with their sadness, she was slowly drifting into the world of unconsciousness ...

all those tears ... seeing their mother with 10 millions tubes, talking through the options, signing the "Do not resuscitate" order ...

was it right to resus her? was it right to pray that she will survive? Has God answered my prayer? Thus, did my unrealism create more pain for the family?

life drawing ...

... went to my first ever class today and it was sooo much fun. I was so bad at it, that it was kinda funny?!?! It is interesting to observe how bad you can be at something ... In my 24 years' life, I have proved to be useless in driving (my driving instructor said that I give him heart-attacks and he asked me to quit, as I would never pass), map-reading, Spanish (I failed my mock GCSE paper, with a "F"), aural test in piano exams (I have done every grade from I to VII and have never passed the aural component!), drawing (my mum did all of my drawing homework while I was little. When I was at boarding school, my mate did it for me), cooking (hmm, anyone who has tried it will know) ...

... there are 10 millions other things I am not good at, but this is what makes life beautiful, as it shows that we cannot exist on our own, but to rely on each other, to get us through each single day ...

being late ...

... is probably one of my really really bad habits. My lateness can range from several seconds to over an hour (pretty unacceptable!). I seem to have no concept of time (in transport terms), and most of the times, I ended up getting lost and spent another 30 minutes, trying to figure out where I am. I am therefore one of those people who ask 10 millions people for direction and still have no idea what is happening ...

Today, I was 5 minutes late for a resus course, and I was not allowed in. The feeling was terrible, as you felt rejected because of your own failure (= being late). I was really lost at this massive hospital (Hammersmith Hospital, for those of you in the known, is a complete maze!), but still, I should have been more prepared etc ... so yeah, my resolution for now is not to be late, and to be early ... (hmm, hopefully, none of my friends actually reads my blog and demands a change in my action ...)

a very random day ...

... woke up this morning crying?!?! I am not one of those people who cry all the time (unless I am watching a film or reading a book or something really upsets me) and I can't remember what I was crying about in my dream?!?! It definitely has to do with work, as I was in the hospital, and was so upset that I couldn't stop crying when I woke up??!

a great start to the day ... had a lovely cello lesson and then crawled back to bed ... I am just drained, after working 12 days back to back, doing 9-7 or 7.30-10 shifts. Finally crawled out of bed to meet a friend for dinner. We spent 30 minutes trying to find each other at Waterloo, then once we did, she didn't want to go to the restaurant. I then took her somewhere else (which she didn't seem to like either!), so I asked her to choose anywhere, but she just wouldn't. Then, the strangest thing of all happened - I flipped!!!! I am not the best temper person on earth, but I don't really ever get mad at people, as I normally try to keep everything under control. We still have a fun evening, ending up with Thai food and spiced apple teas!! :) She was more shocked than mad at me, but I do feel very bad, as she is a great mate and I have no rights to behave the way I did.

Going back to bed ... as I am seeing 4 different people tomorrow for teas, lunch and tennis, so I don't want to flip at anyone!!!!

inside I am dancing ...

... a most interesting film. It is about 2 guys in wheelchairs and how they try to form an independent life. Its plot is predictable, but it got me thinking. I have a 95 years old patient who refuses any food or drink, as she wants to die. So, we get into this cycle in which she becomes dehydrated in the nursing home and get sent to the hospital. The family wants to know if there is any way we can break the cycle. We are not really doing much medically, except giving her subcutaneous fluids (as she pulls all of her drips out), but it is not working, as all of the fluids just stays in her tummy (instead of being absorbed). I was really confused as to why the family wouldn't let her go? We can put a tube down her thorat to feed her, but it is really uncomfortable and she doesn't want it. She just wants to go. The film, on the other hand, is so full of hope. One of the main characters knows he will die pretty soon (as he has Duchene muscular dystrophy - a rare genetic musclar disorder), but he still tries so hard to become independent, to live a life that he wants it. Yet, this lady doesn't want to. (Okay, there is a large age difference). I really do not know when we should draw the line. Should we keep her coming and going from hospital? Sometimes, we seem to keep someone alive for the sake of those around ...

On a slightly different note, one of my patients had a stroke and refuses all rehabitation (physio etc). She has got huge rehab potential if she tries, but she just said that "I am a cripple, let me go". It makes me wonder as to what I will be like when I am old? Will I still be motivated or given up all hopes?

Care of the Elderly does drain you out ...

people ...

... are always full of surprises. I have a very bad habit in that I always try to "guess" someone's personality, views, opinions etc ... ie. jumping into conclusion about someone. About 70% of the times, I am right, but sometimes I am pleasantly surprised. I will meet someone who I don't think I will be able to talk to (ie. assuming they are way too serious, or extreme in their views, or very cool etc), and have some amazing conversations. They sometimes even clear some misconceptions I have about the world, and change my views forever ...

Maybe that is because I have less expectation ... and as I am not trying to impress them, I really listen to their views and see things from their angles.

However, I am also greatly disappointed today. A friend of mine texted me this morning and said that "the moon will change colour at 8 tonight, as the moon is at its closet to earth in 16 years". I did look and it didn't change colour. I texted all of mates about it (one doesn't have many "16 years"!), and only one guy actually said he will look ... so yeah, he is probably as sad as me, but at least, we still believe and hope ...

My cough ...

... has lingered for over a week now. It sounds awful. I just coughed like nutes all day. Once I was explaining to a patient's relatives re: prognosis of their father, my cough was so bad that they actually stopped asking questions and just stared at me. Last night, I went to a relatively posh restuarant, and the waiter though I was choking myself. It is kinda strange to be ill and working in a hospital, as nurses gave me medications, made me tea and put some cakes aside just for me. So, everyone is looking after me :)

A friend of mine is staying with me in a few days' time, so hopefully, my cough will get better by then, as otherwise she won't get any sleep!!!

The bell ...

... is a book by Iris Murdoch. A quite interesting book (I am not a big fan of her writing) about faith, homosexuality, religious etc. Towards the very end of the novel, (probably not a vital point for the book) she describes about Dora's feeling towards Michael and she wrote, "She had waited sadly, but with a sense of the inevitable, for the ending of her time with Michael. She loved him with a quiet undemanding hopelesness. After so much pain and violence his very inaccessibility was consoling".

I was quite surprised by the sentiment expressed, as in our world, most people will think that it is pointless (ie. to love someone and not be loved in return, or to help, to contribute etc). Even in helping the developing worlds, saving the planet etc, it is all to make a better society for our children (I am not saying that it is a bad motivation). It seems to be such a change to do something without any motive, without any hope, without any demand, although you can argue that for Dora, there is a reason behind it, as it was "consoling" ...

we do live in a complicated world, don't you think?

after bank holiday ...

... I went to work and it was such a wonderful feeling to see that all of my patients are still alive. I was quite worried about this lady with leukaemia & neutropenia, and wasn't sure if she would made it through the weekend, but she did :)

This is probably the hardest thing about medicine (for me anyway), as sometimes, no matter what you do; give them 24 hours care, connect them to the most amazing monitors, with ten billions drugs at hands, if someone has to go, they go ...

I shall have another "unknown" moment tomorrow, when I go into the ward, and scan the list of patients, seeing if the usual names are still up there. There is a patient who we are worried about tonight. Contacting the family was heartbreaking this afternoon, as they wanted some definite news from you (ie. will she make it through tonight?). Everyone tried to be reasonable, but in their voices, there was a trace of hope, praying that you would say something positive ...

flowers@the tube ...

… I have been buying flowers for my friends recently (for birthdays, dinners etc), and I get to carry them in the tube :) Tiger Lilly (definitely my favourite!) has such an amazing fragrance … it makes the whole carriage smells so lovely, and all those delays so much more bearable!

smoking ...

... is one of those topics which invokes all sorts of emotions from people. I have friends who will not go out with someone who smoke, some will even split up with them, if their other half becomes a smoker?!?! I personally have no problem with it, as long as it is not in my face, although I am not its strongest fan, given its health implication etc. Yet, I always wonder what do people think about when they are having a fag outside the office etc? They always seem to be deep in thoughts ...

a bad day ...

... today definitely comes close. Maybe a better word to describe is "overwhelming". I have to make some constructive comments to a friend (which didn't go down well at all), failed many times to get an arterial blood gas, rang up a GP surgery 10 millions times, to reach a locum who didn't have a clue about the patient ... To top it off, a patient's family told me off for ages, about some medications not being given over the weekend, when I was off duty ...

So, that is my day ... it is not my happiest day, and at some point, I did feel like crying, but hey, life moves on and tomorrow is another day, as Scarlett O'Hara said :)

family ...

... is a funny business. So complicated ~ apparently 72 different types of family structures exist nowadays. 1/2 marriages in the West end in divorces. I don't know if it is because we all want to be loved in a way that we are not. Looking at my own parents, it is hard to say if they are truly happy with each other; the rows, the disappointments, the pain, the heartaches ... my friends' parents don't seem to fare much better. Yet, the start of each relationship is so full of promises, hopes, love ... what happen to them? just disappear without a trace? Or do we just need to try a little bit harder? Maybe Mother Teresa is right in that "do not think that love to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is love without getting tired".

tomorrow ...

... is the day at which I will start working as a doctor (sorry, it is highly exciting for a medic!). I went in to shadow the doctors today, and it seems like an ideal first job. Care of the Elderly is really slow pace (which doesn't suit my personality!), but it does mean I don't have to rush and can try to do a good job. I think I will need the confidence to know that I can do it?!?! Sometimes, in life, the unexpected nature in which how things turn out is always better than we can ever plan or imagine, showing someone else greater is in charge!

one of those days ...

… at which I didn’t manage to achieve much, but soooo enjoyable. All it involves are catching up with friends, writing cards, reading (a short history of tractors in Ukrainian ~ not bad, very light), listening to my-pretty-awful-music selection (aka Cantonese pop, James Blunt, Coldplay, cello pieces …), tidying up the flat (moving everything from the suitcases into the wardrobes ~ a highly complicated process!), sorting out my photos (and remembering the wonderful times they represent), eat to my heart’s contents …

I should have been at the affiliation ceremony at South Kensington, spending time with my year, celebrating graduation (again?!?), but as my parents are away, there is no obligation to go, and I don’t fancy clapping at least 300 times, and saying “good byes” all over again. It was emotionally draining enough at our final year ball, and to do it again does require a lot of courage, which sadly, I do not have.

So, I hope that the motto for IC medics from the year 2006: “the best portion of a good person’s life; their little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness & love” (Wordsworth)

dashing to a BBQ in a few minutes …

last day @ hong kong ...

... woo ... this is going to be my last ever proper mega long summre holiday, unless I take some time off etc .. and this one has been amazing. I have met some truly original people, saw some amazing sunrise/set & God's creation, been to some interesting restaurants, had endless number of hot-chocolates, on top of random conversations and drives ... it has opened my eyes to many different possibilties of living, and challenged me to re-examine my life and priorities ...

For now, life continues ... since coming back from Melbourne, my London life has been contacting me, and everything is kinda back in track ... hopefully, I will have time to reflect on everything and keep in touch with those who matter ...

can't believe I will be working in a few days' time ... a bit unsure but definitely exciting ...

last day @ sydney ...

... can't believe that I am leaving! The holiay seems to have passed in a mist, but in a good way (soo good that I haven't written my blog at all!). Managed to see quite a bit of Sydney, but didn't try anything outrangeous (sorry, but the water is too freezing cold!!) From the conference itself, I learned a lot (which I suppose must be a good thing), not just about God, being a doctor, but also my own weakness (definitely vital!) and what is important for me ...

So, definitely all worthwhile, and lots of things to reflect on ... but catch my flight to Melbourne for now :)

as times goes by ...

... the song from Casablanca ...

"You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss,
a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by."

Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

business ...

is such an interesting word! I was trying to write "busy-ness", but it turned out to be "business". Sometimes, English language can be so unpredictable, it is actually unbelieveable! :)

Life has been very hectic, since coming back from Brussels in mid-June ... There were so many errands to run (they have been piling up since revision started), on top of celebrating, filling 10 millions forms for the job, packing etc etc. It all became kinda crazy.

Things didn't really get any better when I arrived at Hong Kong, as there was more errands ... but suddenly, the last few days, I can just read (highly recommend "I capture the castle" by Dodie Smith, not sure about "Dubliners" by James Joyce), watch TV (for those who don't know me, I don't have a TV at my flat in London. So I have been catching up on pop culture ie. "ER", "House", "24"), eat, sleep and take pictures. I will try to pull my act together and write some entertaining blogs (as my last entry is just random!!)

To be honest, this is not really interesting either, but hey, at least it is a start! :)

hong kong ...

... is in the swing of blazing summer heat. I haven't been back for just under three years, and everything seems so different; the sight, the smell, the taste and the people ... everyone is mega efficient (to put it mildly!), and it does make one feel constantly tired, with so many stimulants for your senses.

results ...

... came out today and finally, I am not a medical student anymore. I have somehow managed to pass through the hundle, and am now a doctor. It has been a very long dream (albeit a good one!) and it is mind-blowing when it becomes true.

We also had our medic ball in the evening, and it was amazing but sad. Our last ever student ball (with full on cheese!), last ever being responsibiltiy-free, last ever having days on ends with the sole aim of revising. Seeing all those faces, knowing some whom you may never see again ...

But saying "goodbye" is indeed part of life, and without it, it is hard for "hello" to come by ...

finally ...

... I can think about packing, going away, leaving all of my worries and stresses behind.

I didn't realise how stressed I have been in the past few months, until this morning when I was leaving my flat, and couldn't find my wallet. As I had no cash or ID, I couldn't reach Paddington to sit my last exam. Suddenly, the world literally felt crumpling down, with thoughts of spending another 3 months in the library, reading through endless notes, cramming my head with random facts, thinking about medicine, medicine, medicine ...

Ended up frantically opening every cupboard, box, bag in my flat, and all these times, it has been sleeping peacefully in my cello music drawer. Life is indeed full of surprises, and I reached my last exam on time ...

Results are out on 20th June ... but meanwhile, life begins ...

private vs public worlds ...

... is an interesting concept, but it is definitely true. It is sad in a way, since our culture drives us to attain perfection. We have to be happy, successful, famous, with "sorted" life, or at least, desiring such a life. Or we go to the other extreme, becoming those who do not care, only-live-for-the-moment, trying to be free from the mundate world ...

Again, I am generalising, but hey, maybe for today, when we ask someone "how are you?", we will stop what we are doing, pause, look at them and genuinely listen. Even if they say "I am okay", listen to their tones, the underlying smiles, and maybe, when we are asked in return, we will also examine our own hearts and give a honest answer.

Okay dokey, got surgurical exam tomorrow. Should get back to work, but hey, last exam for this year!

toy story ...

... is such an amazing film. I watched it today, in the blazing heat, instead of the England vs Paraguay game (sorry, but football is really not my cup of tea ... hmm, maybe it is too hot for that today anyway!)

If you are in London and have a spare hour, do go and see the Pixar exhibition at the Sciene Museum. Make sure you look for the 21st century zoetrope, as we nearly missed it (to be honest, it is massive, most people won't miss it!) It is a spinning thing, with all of your favourite Toy Story characters ... and they literally spring into action!

The show was originally showed at MOMA, and as usual, only a quarter of the contents came over the atlantic. Never mind, maybe they picked the highlights :)

Can't wait when "Cars" comes out in the summer ... back to lovely revision!

To be surrounded by beauty ...

... everyday must be amazing. I know someone who works at Christie, and I can only imagine how it feels when you wake up in the morning, after the crazy tube journeys, to be greeted by a painting :) Or being a gardener, working in the fields all day, immenses oneself in the sunshines, rains, and your beloved blossoms ...

Medicine is probably on the opposite side of the scale, as there is tremendous amount of suffering to be witnessed first hand. After all, we are fighting a losing battle, as everyone dies eventually. Yet, the human spirit itself is a beauty; its perseverance in the face of difficulties, trust in the unknown, forgiving the past, hope in the future, all blend into one. Even the tears, the aguish, the fear is something to celebrate, as we journey into the future unknown, hand-in-hand ...

Sometimes ...

... I wish I have the courage to venture into the unknown, to face being vulnerable, to take the first step, to hold a possibility in my hands and believe its potential ...

Why is it so hard? "No" will not be the end of the world, but "never-to-know" is more frustrating, as if letting a butterfly flies by, without admiring its colour ...

Children's talk ...

... I heard the following conversation on the bus on the morning of my first exams for final:

Child A: (pointing to his head) Do you know you have a brain in there?
Child B: Really? I don't believe you.
Child A: Really. You will have a brain, as long as you believe there is a brain in there.

So true. A lot of times, to have faith is just to take that small step (to believe in the unknown), and you are there ...

Life is so simple from a child's point of view sometimes. We, adults, do complicate things (for better or worse).

Wordsworth ...

... And, when the stream
Which overflowed the soul was passed away,
A consciousness remained that it had left,
Deposited upon the silent shore
Of memory, images and precious thoughts
That shall not die, and cannot be destroyed.

revision panic ...

... has finally descended. I was reading The Times about a wife witnessing her husband's sudden death. He died from a very rare heart condition (hypertrophic obstructive cardiomyopathy), and instead of reading the moving account, I sat on the tube, trying to figure out the symptoms and signs for HOCM?! (For the medics amoung you: jerky carotid pulse, double apical pulsation - yes, that one!)

Then, I saw myself on the CCTV and wondered "who is that girl with the same hair and bag as me?"

Do I need to say any more? Only 6 days to go until finals kick off ...

a hole ...

... was found in my umberlla today when London was bathing in rain. I have been happily using it, shading me from the rain, without realising its existence. There are also posters "We need to talk" (promoting the book "We need to talk about Kevin") all over the tube. Somehow, they become connected in my little brain and got me thinking. In our society today, we value "talking", "expressing our emotions" etc tremendously, but is it possible for us to over-express ourselves? ie. by focusing our energy so much on the problem, we become lost within its mist, and maybe even drown in it ...

Of course, as the advert said "it is good to talk", but maybe it will be better to talk about the positive things. As for the negatives, maybe somehow, they will flow away or become less important, if we begin to see the goodness around us, even the rain can be refreshing.

what to wear ...

... is usually a question one thinks for dates etc, but there is a current debate among the medical students as to whether they should wear a suit to the practical exam. I don't know whether the debate is just an other subtle manifestation of the current panic which has descended among us. Personally I won't wear a suit, as I don't want to?!?! (is that a good enough reason?) To be honest, being a sheep, I shall probably change my mind in 3 weeks' time (when it comes to the crunching point!) Sometimes, it is sad how "unprinicipled" I am/can become ...

goodness and "nice" ...

... is there any difference betweeh them? For me, they are worlds apart, in that I know a lot of "nice people" but they are not necessarily "good". You can be "nice" for lots and lots of reasons, but for me, being "good" means that you have no alternative motive for your actions. It always seem so hard to find people who are good within ... (I know that "nice" is an overused words etc, but we won't enter that argument).

"Unless" by Carol Shields deals with the issues of goodness superbly.

catching ...

... a star would have been fun last night. Or something slightly less impossible, a flick (X-men is out in 2 weeks' time!), but instead, I caught the wrong bus, went in the completely opposite direction, and to top it off, I didn't realise until we reached the end terminal. You will be pleased to hear that I was actually going home, via a route which I have taken at least 10 times ...

hmm, where is there to say? but ... hmm ...

so peaceful it is ...

… to sit in an empty church, listening, with all of your worries slowly wash away.

green party ...

... again didn't manage to win a seat at our local election, but its support is nearly doubled (5.1%) since 2002!

seeing friends ...

... is getting so difficult! A friend from my Cambridge days emailed yesterday and it has been two and a half years since I last saw her. We were very good mates (she lived upstairs to me), and I will always remember those times we spent over broken relationships, exam stress, gossip, "what to wear to dates/balls" etc ... oh, she also cooked wicked meals!!!

In a way, this is the kind of friendship I missed the most, since I moved to London and lived on my own. Someone who knows your day-to-day life, the ups-and-downs. Even with my closet friends in London (beside fellow medics, who are embarking on the "finals" journey), I only see them once every 3-4 weeks, I suppose everyone is busy; working, cleaning the house, meeting the one, expanding the mind, breathing in essential oxygen and absorbing the luxurious sunshines, to cope in this big big world for another day :)

illegal immigrants ...

… has always been one of those issues which I really puzzle about. What happened in America recently has really triggered my thoughts. There are a lot of advantages and disadvantages of having illegal immigrants. I think no one will deny in that they are a vital component of our economy, and have definitely enriched our society culturally. Yet, where do we draw the line? Beside the fact that they are in a country illegally, how much does one expect them to integrate into our culture? (I know that the Bush administration has proposed something at a completely different level to what I am writing about here.) We go aboard to experience something different, but when the same people create their own communities within “our” country, we feel that they are not integrating. If we look back in history, when the West went to Egypt, Africa, Asian etc, they bought their way of living with them completely, and we called that “civilisation”. Just look at India! For a lot of people, their identities are closely tied with their religion, language and culture.


I have talked to a few people about policy on immigration, and it seems an impossible question to answer. People will always strive for a better, safer place to live, to work, to experience life, and who are we to stop them achieving their dreams? Doesn’t living in a country with infinite opportunities give us an responsibility to provide and stand up for those who do not?

Your thoughts on this issue are most welcomed.

green & black ...

have been eating them non-stop since February, and I found my favourite one yesterday: almond milk chocolates (think I have tried every single one, except for 70% dark!

asking someone out ...

... must be one of the hardest things on earth ... of course, not in the real sense, as it is "avoidable" (ie. you don't have to do it, unlike exams, tax returns forms, making decisions about life, belief, parting with/from those you love ...). There is always the possibility that the other person may take the first step before you do, and thus, involving no action from you.

I am always really puzzled when friends ask you what they should do. The positive side of me always say "go for it, as you don't want any regrets" etc etc. Yet, part of me always feel unsure ...

Some of us live in reality, whereas the rest of us live in the "what if" dreams ...

waking up ...

to Bach suite no. 6 in D minor is probably one of the best things on earth ....

unfinished books ...

was looking at my book shelves the other day, and there are soo many books which I have tried to read ~ Ulysses, The Tin Drum, a bibliography by Gabriel Garcia Marquez ... but never beyond the first 50 pages ... and at the moment, it is the same with my pharmacology revision. Like a tango - 2 steps forwards, 1 step back (or is that the waltz? ~ sorry, I never really grasped ballroom dancing, despite doing it for a year?!?!)

anyway, am reading "beloved" by Toni Morrison, and it is good & finishable ... so, back to pharmacology ... :)

yesterday ...

... was the last day of our 10 weeks surigcal revision course. Somehow, we all got very sad (yeah, medics is a strange brunch!). Maybe it was the fact that the "studenty" chapter of our lives is finally closing, and somehow, we are all going to graduate, have "our own patients" to look after. 6 years ago, in-between all those exams we sat, being able to reach this point seems so far far away .. all a bit mind-blowing ...

... was also a very good mate's birthday. I haven't organised surprises for people for ages. Got her a cake with a candle to blow at the ultimate hospital canteen (not the most promising place, but we had 15 minutes for lunch, in between of tutorials). But it is wonderful how a small act can bring a smile, a sparkle to someone's lives ...

So, yeah, if you are reading this, be spontaneous today, do something which will bring a big smile to someone's face (as smile is infectious!)

our house ...

I'll light the fire
You put the flowers in the vase
That you bought today

Staring at the fire
For hours and hours
While I listen to you
Play your love songs
All night long for me
Only for me

Come to me now
And rest your head for just five minutes
Everything is good
Such a cosy room
The windows are illuminated
By the sunshine through them
Fiery gems for you
Only for you

Our house is a very, very fine house
With two cats in the yard
Life used to be so hard
Now everything is easy'
Cause of you
And our la,la,la, la,la, la, la, la, la, la, la.....

summer night & directions ...

Last night, I was walking home, and for a split second, it was liked being back on holiday! Such a glorious summer night (okay, I had a jacket on, but one cannot expect toooo much at London)! With the gentle evening breeze, few scattered stars, I can even imagine being in flip-flops (really last-season, I know!), sipping drinks at Chicago, with not a care in the world. Never mind, hopefully, in 8 weeks' time, when everything is over, I can again be sipping drinks at Vienna :)

Anyway, someone asked me for direction last night. Normally, I am one of those really annoying people who do not have a clue about anywhere (even if I live there), but it was on my road, so even I got that (and was actually quite chuffed!) ... but I didn't know which house she wanted, so I left her on the road (excuse: my road has about 25 houses on each side) ... it turned out the house was directly opposite mine ...

so there you are ...

Aeschylus ...

"And even in our sleep

pain that cannot be forget falls drop by drop upon the heart,

and in our own despair,

against our will,

comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God".

accident ...

Don't know whether you have ever watched the film - "Sliding door"? How a split-second difference changes the course of your life ... (know that it sounds like an action-packed film, but it is more in the romantic genre!) Anyway, yesterday, somehow, I ended up crashing with a cyclist at the back of the hosptial (the situation was quite complicated, and to be honest, probably 50% faults each side) ... she wasn't hurt very badly (and I only had a few scratches), but if it was a car, I would definitely not be writing this blog now. It kinda bought everything into prospective. All these revisions/stress/demands on our daily lives really do not matter in the whole eternity scheme! also, unless I become mega famous (even that is short-lived now, given how celebrity-overloaded we are!), the only people who will care are those who love us, and it is bizarre how we salve away to gain approvals from those who don't. But in a way, it is in human's nature to want "what-you-cannot-have", as otherwise, why is there advertising at the first place?

Woo, this is a bit depressing for a blog (I am generally a very uplifting person!!!) , but hey, this is indeed life!

blue sky ...

Wooo - the sun is out today, at last!!! By the middle of April, even London has seen some sunshines!!

Was talking to an Aussis yesterday, and just realised that Melbourne will be quite cold in July ... dont' really know why I was under the illusion that their winter will be "warmer" than uk's summer?!?! Probably wishful thinking on my half ... Oh well, I am still going to Australia this summer, even if it is freezing ...

Shouldn't be sitting in a rom typing on a glorious day like this, so adieus!

post ...

Life is indeed full of surprises! Something which I would have been sooooo happy to receive 4 months ago, suddenly arrived out of the blue yesterday ... but because of change in circumstances etc, it bought more surprises than joys. It got me thinking about life (as one does!). Sometimes, I can be sooo caught up in the "I want it now" mode, and can literally become crazy/stressed. Yet, once that moment passes, I am back to normal, and it does make you question as to whether you want it at the first place?!?

But then, the other day, I let something (not very important) go and I was asked "why?". Because I didn't want to fight, and to demand my rights ... but is life only beautiful if one has to fight for it? So that one can cherish it more?

Hmm, God knows, but hey, it is Easter sunday today, a day of Hope & fulfilled promises ...

to start ...

This is the first time I have ever set something like this up, and to be honest, I don’t' really know what is going on (you shall see that this is quite typical of me!) ... anyway, I am a final year medic, one of those frequently despicted character on TV, but do actually exist in real life! At the moment, my life consists of revising for some pretty scary exam at the end of June ... which means, sitting at the library all day, reading the "cheese and onions" (= read "oxford handbook for clinical medicine"). It only has 874 pages and is an actually quite small book, but it has got the end of me, hence this blog … (it does follow prefect logic! :)

Anyway, whoever you are, thank you for reading this … sorry for boring you, but hey, I always wonder what people write on their 1st blog, as one must have some sort of audience in mind?!?!