Never let me go ...

... is the title of a book by Kazuo Ishiguro and was very popular about a year or so ago ... I suppose we are all trying to find someone who will hold onto us, who will never never let us go, who are our anchors, stopping us from being swept away by this world. Yet, sometimes, as Tommy said in the book; "I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end, it's just too much. The current's too strong. They've got to let go, drift apart. That's how I think it is with us. It's a shame, Kath, because we've loved each other all our lives. But in the end, we can't stay together forever".

The desperation, the helplessness ... summaries so well of life in London ...

In the book, there is this idea of Norfolk being a lost corner, where all the lost property found in the world goes to ... If only such places do exist on this earth, so that "when we lost something precious, and we'd looked and looked and still couldn't find it, then we don't have to be completely heartbroken. We still had the last bit of comfort, thinking one day, when we were grown up, and we were free to travel around the country, we could always go and find it again in Norfolk".

This is, however, a dangerous ground to tread on, as during the process, we develop ways to cope with our losses; pretending, devaluing, decentralising, replacing ... and eventually, we do not even recognise the tremendous darkness of our losses ...

Memories ...

... are powerful - you can distort it, relish it with happiness, relive it with anguish ... but can we ever unload its emotional impact? We may put on spectacles with tints of rainbow, viewing snaps of our lives in the colour we choose ... Yet, deep within, we still feel the pain and sometimes, the joy, it brings ...

Robinton Mistry wrote in "a fine balance"; " How much Dina Aunty relished her memories. Mummy and Daddy were the same, talking about their yesterdays and smiling in that sad-happy way while selecting each picture, each frame from the past, examining it lovingly before it vanished again in the mist. But nobody ever forgot anything, not really, though sometimes they pretended when it suited them. Memories were permanent. Sorrowful ones remained sad even with the passage of time, yet happy ones could never be recreated - not with the same joy. Remembering bred its own peculiar sorrow. It seemed so unfair: that time should render both sadness and happiness into a source of pain".

Definitely a source of pain, but maybe sadness and happiness generate a different type of pain ...

A man of wisdom ...

"Flatter me, and I may not believe you.
Criticize me, and I may not like you.
Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me, and I will not forget you.
Love me and I may be forced to love you.”

~ William Arthur Ward

This is definitely how I feel ... love and encouragment are impossible to refuse ... Is is true for you?

Rainer Maria Rilke said ...

... For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.

... Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.

... Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.

marriage ...

... is probably the subject which I have been talking the most of this week ... it is emotionally draining ... I talked about it with my little sister, my friends, my patients ... sometimes you wonder how many "couple therapy" one can endure in a day ... it is strange in that those at the start of this life-long marathon sound so optimistic, so hopeful of what the future will bring ... next along the lines are those who have been married for a while, with their soles of sorrow, painful joints ... and at the end, there are those who have endured a quarter of a century together, with their broken promises, bottles of tears, glasses of misunderstanding shattered on the ground ...

... it does make you wonder ... but hey, some people do make it through intact and smiling ...

Jeff Buckley ...

... amazing version:

Well I heard there was a secret chord
that David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this :
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah ...

Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah ...

(Yeah but) Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, (You know)
I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
and love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah ...

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do ya
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah...

Time ...

... can be measured by the moving hands of a clock, as it ticks away the seconds, the minutes, the hours ... but what does one turn to when we reach the days, the months, the years ... do we refer to a calendar? or our diary? What is the mind map of our life on earth? If I ask you: "Where were you last year when they were showing the firework?", how will you search for that day in your mind ...

Some people may anchor it by their travels, "ahhh, I missed it as I was at the Big Apple"; or by their jobs/studies, "On-calls, on-calls, on-calls"; or by their relationships, "I watched it with my ex"; or by their feelings, "Very stressed out that day - can't remember what I thought of the firework"; or by our beliefs, "God seemed a distant memory then" ...

Maybe how we divide our lives, both in reality and in our minds, shows what has the uttermost prominence in our lives, but as C.S.Lewis said:

"The Future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is".

"read my mind" ...

... is a song by The Killers and probably one of my favourite songs at the moment - it always brings a smile to my face when it plays on my ipod as I walk up towards the hospital in the glorious autumn sunshine ...

... it asks this question "Can you read my mind?" and one of the classic questions in Psychiatry is "do you think people can read your mind?" (for the non-medics: thought broadcast is one of Schneider's symptoms of first rank for schizophrenia). Most people just look at me as if I am mad ...

But how would one feel if people can truly read your mind? Most people will probably shrink from such an idea, as no one wants their inner thought to be known to all, as it may reveal how shallow/deep/lonely/envious/funny/sarcastic we are ... It also renders conversations to be meaningless (as you can read everything off a speech bubble and the conversation will take on so many tangles, spreading like a spider web). We all have listened to people revealing their deepest fears/latest invention/new-found-absolutely-can-do-no-wrongs-other-half, when we are secretly thinking what to order from the menu ...

Yet, what if we can select whom we reveal our thoughts to? What will happen then? Will it make life easier, more bearable? When we can "tell" a passerby how much we love their gorgeous blue shoes, our parents how much we appreciate their sacrifices, our friends how much our lives have shined because of their lights, the person how much we have liked them since the beginning of time, those we have hurt along the way how truly sorry we are ...

But as Dana Gioia wrote,

"So much of what we live goes on inside–
The diaries of grief, the tongue-tied aches
Of unacknowledged love are no less real
For having passed unsaid. What we conceal
Is always more than what we dare confide.
Think of the letters that we write our dead."

flowers ...

~ by Wendy Cope

"Some men never think of it.
You did. You'd come along
And say you'd nearly bought me flowers
But something had gone wrong.

The shop was closed. Or you had doubts -
The sort that minds like ours
Dream up incessantly. You thought
I might not want your flowers.

It made me smile and hug you then.
Now I can only smile.
But, look, the flowers you nearly bought
have lasted all this while."

Food ...

Today, I decided to write a really silly entries about food that I like ... to be honest, noone will be interested but it is kind of fun to make piles and piles of lists, which no one will read, except yourself a few years down the line ... always interesting to note how one has changed and the constancy in oneself can be reassuring too ...

So here it goes:
 sushi in any form, except Octopus ones ... (and also unsure about all the raw and exotic fishes which I haven't tried)
 tempura - how can anyone say "no" to that?!?
 pasta in pretty much any sauce ~ I haven't found one which I don't like, but my favourite is probably spaghetti wrapped in a paper, with seafood and tomato sauce (I should pretend to be posh and use its Italian name, but sadly, my Italian is limited to "Ciao") ...
 noodles - fried, in big swimmingly bowl, with way too much sauce (yep, some of you have seen me eating this one, and looked on in disbelief!), Pad Thai ... I can literally survive on noodles ...
 dim-sum ~ except chicken feet ... some people will say that I am not Chinesey enough, but I just hate that thing ...
 Shanghai cuisine & peking duck
 chips ... sometimes, I just have to have it, no matter what I am having for the main course ... I quite like steaks & burgers too, especially when it is cold and rainy outside ...
 chocolates, especially Green & Black Almonds ~ definitely saw me through finals!
 ice-creams; Hagen Daze ~ I love to indulge myself at Hagen Daze at Leicester Square (I think I have taken most of my friends there!) ... the thought of walking in there with soooo many ice-cream to choose from is just sooo comforting ~ it is a bit liked Tiffany to Holly Golightly, although that is way more classy!
 tea - absolutely adore it, earl grey, lady grey, strawberries, mint, mango, green, apple, jasminie etc etc, but I don't like Bush tea ... hmm ... and proper chinese tea (way too strong!)
 cakes, of course chocolates one, closely followed by carrot cakes, cookies, banana bread, flap-jacks ... I also like crumbles ... basically, I will never say "no" to desert, unless it is sour!?!?
 fishes - again, any kind, unless they are too meaty or bony ... also, love lobster, crab, prawns ... basically most seafood, except octopus & squid - I don't like chewy stuffs!
 soups - I really like Covent Garden ones ~ it has recently become one of my stable diet during on-call, for lunch, and if I am too tired to cook ...
 curries as long as it is not spicy; Indian, Thai, Japanese, Chinese ...

Basically, I eat everything ... just in case that you are planning to cook for me :)

May 2012
A slight update, as I have become a pescatarian since June last year.   I actually can still eat most food on the list, except for peking duck and certain dim sum ... These are some foods I have found along the way ...
 Butter squash and cranberries, courtesy of Whole Food
 Quinoa salad
 Frozen yoghurt with lots and lots of toppings
 A prawn dish at Gambia ... the chef at the hotel felt sorry for my pescatarian status and just cooked me this gorgeous dish out of the blue!

Is love enough?

... is a question I have been reflecting on recently ... if you have asked me about it a month ago, I would have echoed the whole room with a resounding "yes" ... but recently, I have had my doubts. One of the most fascinating aspects of psychiatry is that you are constantly confront with real life, but sometimes, the pains involved can be more than one can bear ...

I was on-call the other day, and at around 5am, I was bleeped by A&E about another overdosed patient (it is staggering the number of overdoses we see a day, so many unhappy people out there). Maybe it is the early morning - everything seems surreal in the hospital around that time ... but my joyful feeling zipped out of me the moment I laid eyes on her ... Yet, no matter how they make you feel, they are patients at the end of the day, so the psychatiry interview began ...

My patient overdosed on 40 antixiolytic, her 2nd attempts in less than 2 months. She adores her husband and children, and worries and loves were clearly written on their faces when they came to see her in the morning ... But all these are not enough to hold her back from the brim of darkness which has descended among her ... maybe sometimes, love is just not enough ... maybe William Somerset Maugham is right when he said "The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned." ...

understanding those around you ...

... are difficult and I was talking about it to a friend today (well, I was ranting and he was listening!) ... We all aspire to understand our friends, our families, our loved ones, but can we? The amazing thing about being a Psychiatrist is that you gain access into people's lives and minds; they will tell you things which no one else knows; good and bad things (although to be honest, it is mainly the latter) painful events which happened in the past, unrequited love, their fears, their dreams ... sometimes, you talk to those closet to the patients, and they would not have a clue ... the patient could be ill for ages, and they would not have noticed or knew ...

That is not because they do not care, but how much we understand someone depends on how much the other person is willing to reveal ... and also, depends on our past experience, knowledge and emotions, as together, they will affect our ability to interpret the other person's actions, ideas, and ultimately our understanding of them ...

Alas, "If each man or woman could understand that every other human life is as full of sorrows, or joys, or base temptations, of heartaches and of remorse as his own . . . how much kinder, how much gentler he would be (~ William Allen White)” will be a good starting point.

Pablo Neruda ...

... I am going through one of my phases which I start to get obsessed with a poet ... this is another peom by Pablo Neruda which I love ... now I wish that I have paid more attention during my Spanish lesson, instead of getting a "D" in my GCSE mock and all I can say is "Hola. Me ilamo Carol. Vivo en Londres" ... it must be absolutely stunning in Spanish ...

"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."

The Dead Woman ...

... by Pablo Neruda, is a poem quoted in "Truly, Madly, Deeply", which pretty much sums up this bittersweet film ....

"If suddenly you do not exist,
if suddenly you no longer live,
I shall go on living.

I do not dare,
I do not dare to write it,
if you die.

I shall go on living.

For where a man has no voice,
there, my voice.

Where blacks are beaten,
I cannot be dead.
When my brothers go to prison
I shall go with them.

When victory,
not my victory,
but the great victory
comes,
even though I am mute I must speak;
I shall see it come even though I am blind.

No, forgive me.
If you no longer live,
if you, beloved, my love,
if you
have died,
all the leaves will fall in my breast,
it will rain on my soul night and day,
the snow will burn my heart,
I shall walk with frost and fire and death and snow,
my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping, but
I shall stay alive,
because above all things
you wanted me indomitable,
and, my love, because you know that I am not only a man
but all mankind."

Carol Ann Duffy ...

... is a poet who I read when I was a teenager, and I adored her ... But I haven't come across her again until today, when I found "Rapture" in a tiny bookshop at South Kensington. It was captivating, mostly in its simplicity and heart-aching beauty ...

World
"On the other side of the world,
you pass the moon to me,
like a loving cup,
or a quaich,
I roll you the sun.

I go to bed,
as you are getting up
on the other side of the world.
You have scattered the stars
towards me here, like seeds

in the earth.
All through the night,
I have sent you
bunches, bouquets of cloud
to the other side of the world;

so my love will be shade
where you are,
and yours,
as I turn in my sleep,
the bud of a star."

Give
"Give me, you said, on our very first night,
the forest. I rose from the bed and went out,
and when I returned, you listened, enthralled,
to the shadowy story I told.

Give me the river,
you asked the next night, then I'll love you forever.
I slipped from your arms and was gone,
and when I came back, you listened, at dawn,
to the glittering story I told.

Give me, you said, the gold
from the sun. A third time, I got up and dressed,
and when I came home, you sprawled on my breast
for the dazzling story I told.

Give me
the hedgerows, give me the fields.
I slid from the warmth of our sheets,
and when I returned, to kiss you from sleep,
you stirred at the story I told.

Give me the silvery cold
of the moon. I pulled on my boots and coat,
but when I came back, moonlight on your throat
outshone the pale story I told.

Give me, you howled,
on our sixth night together, the wind in the trees.
You turned to the wall as I left,
and when I came home, I saw you were deaf
to the blustering story I told.

Give me the sky, all the space
it can hold. I left you, the last night we loved,
and when I returned, you were gone with the gold,
and the silver, the river, the forest, the fields,
and this is the story I've told."

Albert Camus ...

... When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter.

~ one of the most intense philosophers from the West, but with some original ideas and to-the-point analysis of human natures (albeit towards the dark side) ...

The kite runner ...

... by Khaled Hosseini is a pretty amazing book. Every page spurs you onto the next, but it is an intense and emotionally draining run. It is about a Pashtun boy (Amir) and his relationship with his father (Baba) and childhood Hazaran "friend" (Hassan), set in the turbulent time of Afghanistan. It is about about love that doesn't count the costs, about the haunting nature of unforgettable memory, about the everyday sweetness of an innocent childhood, about years of hidden secrets, about forgiveness to others and yourself, about goods vs evils ... One of the most touching aspects of the book is that despite how flawed each character is, there is so much goodness in them, so much capacity to love, and how hard they try to love, to be good ... Some people think that it is a book about redemption (to rectify a mistake, "a way to be good again"), but if one bases the sole motivation of Amir bringing Sohrab back to America on that, it lessens the importance of the act. Ultimately, there is more at work than gulit in ones' live ~ our human desire for kindness and love, to bring joy and happiness to those around us, and maybe even a "for you, a thousand times over" person ...

Hope ...

... is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune ~ without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
~ Emily Dickinson

Sometimes, we all need something to hold onto ... but I adore the last sentence ~ hope never demands anything from us, but faith in those around you, in the world, in goodness, in love and ultimately, in God ...

being happy ...

... is kinda strange, or to be precise, people's perception of your happiness. This week, I got voted as the happiest house-officer at my hosptial and had a call from my old SHO (my immediate boss) who was really sweet and said that "thank you for being so happy". I was speechless on both occasions, as the last 7 months has probably been one of the hardest time I have ever experienced (those of you who know me will say that I have a easy life, but there you are). The interesting thing is that there is nothing I can pinpoint as the precipitating cause, although many factors can be identified as perpetuating factors ... somehow, I was just lost in the midst of my hectic life, drifting along, and not quite sure what is going on ...

... it is not that I am depressed, or sad, and most days, I am content, but deep within, a clouds has descended into my horizon, with rainy showers every once-in-a-while to obscure the view ... Yet, as one of my friends said that you only learn when you are challenged ... and I have gained alot along the way, about responsibilty, myself, my weakness, my faith, what matters, what I want, what I don't want, the reality, the world with all its goodness and sadness ... and there is still so much to learn ... In a way, some would argue that you can only truly embrace happiness, when you know what is on the other side of the rainbow ...

Reinhold Niebuhr says ...

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.

... such a hope ... especially late at night, when you worry and worry, with regrets upon regrets about things you could have said, or done, or at least attempted to do, it is comforting to know that there is always hope of forgiveness ...

If ...

... I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.
~ Claudia Ghandi

Beautiful for a summer evening ~ let your thoughts wander as you walk and walk ...

Moon River ...

... "Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me ...

from "Breakfast at Tiffany" ... I have read the book and the film is kinda different to it, but still pretty awesome ...

Some of my favourite romantic films: Amelie, Annie Hall, Before sunset-after sunrise, Casablanca, Cyrano de Bergerac, Emma, Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind, Manhattan, Notting Hill, Sliding doors, The English Patients, Wuthering Heights (B&W) ... & of course, Breakfast at Tiffany ... that is the list for now ...

5 Sept 07: I have to add "The science of sleep" and "Truly, madly, deeply". The later combines cello and poetry ... do I need to say anymore?

21 Sept 07: "Atonement, Atonement, Atonement" - absolutely gorgeous ... also, I forgot "Shadowland" ...

19 Jan 08: "Brief encounter" - British rail, doctor, honours ...

23 Feb 08: "An affair to remember" and "sleepless in Seattle" allow Empire State Building to take on a whole different meaning ...

26 Feb 08: "Once" - if you have ever wanted a piano, lived in the land of possibility, and having love so close within your grasp, you cannot not fall in love with it ...

8 May 08: "Serendipity" - with Love in the time of Cholera, the cube game and lots of coincidences ... but "Sabrina" is just awesome; Paris, falling in love unawarely ...

2008: "Wall-E" and Eve ... the scene of him holding an umbrella over her after she went "quiet" is so tender that is beyond words ...

31 July 09: "The Reader" - an intense love affair, with lots of hidden and unexplained secrets, but it does involve reading aloud classic literature ...

6 Oct 09: "Up" is a Pixar movie, a love letter from a husband to his beloved wife, illustrating Erikson's last stage of human development - "Integrity verse Despair" with balloons, dreams, and broken promises ...

11 July 09: "Bright Star" has poets, letters, doomed love affairs, English summer, lavenders ...

3 August 10: "Inception" is beyond amazing; dreams, delusions, growing old ...

18 August 10: "Ponyo" is an animation, and a little sugary, but it does have a mermaid, the sea, and innocence ...

8 Oct 10: "The secret in their eyes" (El Secreto De Sus Ojos) is beautiful with "Te Mo" to "Te A Mo" ...

30 Oct 10: "Secuestro express" is utterly compelling with its moral ambiguities, in a background of social injustice ...

4 Jan 2011: "Catfish" is an alternative sad love story in the facebook world ...

21 Jan 2011: "The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons" is about death, ageing, love within a paradigm, things lost and found along the way ...

21 Sept 2011: "Nuovo cinema Paradiso" is a homage to film, full of nostalgia for the past, as it views all that have been lost through a magical lens ... 

11 Dec 2011: "In the moon of love" longing to be loved, to be understood, to be held ...

13 Jan 2012: The scene of he and she meeting on the staircase from "The Artist" is breathtaking ...

4 August 2012: ""Umberto D" is not straightly a romantic film but for me it is probably a poignant love letter to a battered life in its own strange little way ...

18 November 2012: "La peau douce" (The soft skin/Silken Skin) is about the devastating consequence of an affairs of the heart ... 

22 Nov 2012: "De rouille et d'os" (Rust and bone) is about finding love within yourself, in others and at the most unlikely places when things seem hopeless ... 

a trip down memory lane ...

... was my experience at good old Cam the other day ... I think it was the first time I have properly visited Cam since I left four years ago ... I walked past so many places which held dear memories for me ~ Lensfield Road, Downing, Cafe Rouge, Christ's Piece; seeing my old anatomy tutor back in the dissection room, listening to his talk to prospective students in our old anatomy lecture hall ... the formaldehyde smell still hit you when you open the door ...

It really bought home as to how different you have become ... Changes happen subtlety; whether you want it to, or not. Revisiting places makes you realise what you have lost and gained. Ultimately, people come and go, but as the song in Wicked said;
"That people come into our lives for a reason,
Bringing something we must learn, and we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return"

We can only pray that we have been changed for good ... and for those we have lost, we can always remember all the happiness they have created in our lives, all the goodness they have bought into our worlds, and all the ideas and thoughts they have generated in our heads ...

One thing I do know for certain is that 6 years of medical school has taught me something, as I can finally understand and answer the anatomy questions my old tutor asked! (confession: they were really simple, but hey, it is a start! :)

To those of you who read my blog: A few of you have mentioned the depressing nature of my blog ~ thank you for still reading my little blog, despite the not-so-cheerful content. I don't know why it is so sad sometimes, but I have had a lot on my mind this year, and it reflects that. Writing a blog is ultimately self-indulging, as I can write whatever I like, and I know there is 1/2 people out there who will be reading it :) So, a big thank you to whoever you are ...

finding out ...

... stuffs is always interesting, but to find something out via an unexpected source (ie. A tells me about B) can actually be quite upsetting. The seeds of doubt are now planted, as you no longer know where you stand, since you cannot comprehend why the people involved never told you themselves directly. Your mind starts to wander and wander and wander ... and somehow you end up being so tangled up that the only course of action you can think of is to avoid them and to expect nothing in return ...

It is a protective mechanism and maybe, just maybe, there is a hint of punishing someone here, since cutting someone out of your live is blatant and cruel ...

So I am not sure what to do ... but to accept what we cannot change/turn the clock back, is one of the hardest things on earth ...

storm ...

... is raging through London, bringing with it plently of rain and time for reflection ... I also read this line today ~

"storms are a punishment for us so that we should feel the fear of God"

... in the Royal Opera House's summer brochure for "Katya Kabanova" ...

mistakes ..

... are strange strange things ... there are so many levels to it ... some are so trivial that you forget about it the next day (like walking into a lamp-post, picking the wrong sandwiches or just generally getting confused) and may even laugh about it the next day ... but there are some which are serious, coming back to haunt you days/weeks/years later ... you regret it, feel sad, and somehow, your life continues to stay in that position, like a car without petrol ...

... it is hard to know what to do ... but ultimately, I suppose you have to accept that you have made a mistake, leant to forgive yourself, and believe that there is someone else out there who is in control, than just you and your own helplessness ...

WALL-E ...

... is the name of the next Pixar animation ... and it will not come out until 2008, but it sounds awesome ... I read about it in the Times and I just can't wait to see it ...

It is about this tiny little robort who has been doing his job (collecting rubbish) faithfully for the last 700 years, without knowing what he is on earth really really for ... it does sound like one of us, doesn't it? Wall-e does fall in love with another robort called "Eve", so there is magic and hope in the air ... well, at least in an animation ...

the more loving one ...

... by Auden ... my favourite poet of all time ... this poem transports you to a summer night sky with such love and hope, despite the raindrops outside, and the cold ... but at least my psychiatry paper is finally finished ...

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

~ Auden

Whistle for the Choir ...

... by The Fratellis is a pretty amazing song - soooo happy and hopeful ...

"Well it's a big big city and it's always the same
Can never be too pretty tell me you your name
Is it out of line if I were so bold to say "Would you be mine"?

Because I may be a beggar and you maybe the queen
I know I maybe on a downer am still ready to dream
Now it's 3 o'clock time it takes for you to talk

So if you're lonely why'd you say your not lonely
Oh your a silly girl, I know I hurt it so
It's just like you to come
And go you know me no you don't even know me
Your so sweet to try, oh my, you caught my eye
A girl like you's just irresistible

Well it's a big big city and the lights are all out
But it's much as I can do you know to figure you out
And I must confess, my hearts in broken pieces
And my heads a mess

And it's 4 in the morning, and I'm walking along
Beside the ghost of every drinker here who has ever done wrong
And it's you, woo hoo
That's got me going crazy for the things you do

So if your crazy I don't care you amaze me
Oh your a stupid girl, oh me, oh my, you talk I die, you smile, you laugh, I cry
And only, a girl like you could be lonely
And it's a crying shame, if you would think the same
A boy like me's just irresistible

So if your lonely, why'd you say you're not lonely
Oh your a silly girl, I know I hurt it so
It's just like you to come and go
And know me, no you don't even know me
Your so sweet to try oh my, you caught my eye
A girl like you's just irresistible"

being practical ...

... is definitely not my cup of tea. I spent an hour sorting out my mobile phone bill today ~ I did have the most helpful assistant on earth ... he was liked ~ hmm, your bill is £90 ... because you bought things with your phone?!?, made £13 worth of calls in one go, have subscriptions which you didn't even know exist ...

For example, I am subscribed to mobile TV, but "I don't even have TV in my flat" (he was liked - "TV on your mobile dear"). When I couldn't unsubscribe via the internet, despite clear instruction from him, he was "hmm, via your mobile". So there you are. The worst thing is that he kept on calling me "Doctor ... doctor ..." ... sometimes I think I am an embrassement to my profession ... Oh well, never mind, at least I can claim to be a star in blood taking ... (which is what I have learnt from vascular surgery ~ a very important life skill!)

Closure ...

... is an interesting thing and sometimes, they happen without us realising it ... They do tend to come when it is least expected, like rains falling on a sunny day, but most of the times, they are essential and vital for the continuity of the day-to-day life ...

This week has been a major wake up call for me (seeing a few long-lost friends, having a patient dying randomly, being honest with how I feel/what I struggle with, realising what I miss, learning the harsh reality of work ...) ... In the past year or so, I have been running away ... but the long hand has finally turned to "12", and it is chiming for me to face up to them. It will involve a substantial amount of thinking and exploring ... and it will hurt, as holes in myself, my faith, and the world will be found ... but I need to close this ambiguous chapter of my life, need to reassess where I stand, what I believe and how to continue ...

it is going to be a long long road, but hey, a pretty relaxed bank holiday weekend is definitely the way forward ...

vascular surgery ...

... is pretty awful ... really not enjoying the firm ... the shouting, the randomness (our operating list metamorphoses 3 times in a day), the meaningless (preparing for meetings where no one actually listens to what you have to say), the lack of facilities (not enough papers, chairs, blood forms, computers in a windowless room for 10 people), the long hours (to be honest, we are only doing 11 hours day at the moment, so it is not the end of the world), the brutalness (telling a patient that we are going to chop off all of her toes in 3 days' time ~ all in one sentence), the boringness of it all ... each morning, I wake up and start to dread the walk into 4 south more and more ...

But then, I went out for a drink tonight, and suddenly, the world seems like a brighter place ... work is still rubbish, people are still not great, one is still going to get hurt, with a lot of uncertainties circulating around the world, but I do have some wonderful friends, the sun is going to come out soon, and afterall, only 73 more days to go ....

An arundel tomb ...

... an amazing poems ... evoking the feeling that all things are possible ... actually based on a tomb in Chicester Cathedral ~ may go and visit it in the summer ...

"Side by side, their faces blurred,
The earl and countess lie in stone,
Their proper habits vaguely shown
As jointed armour, stiffened pleat,
And that faint hint of the absurd -
The little dogs under their feet.

Such plainness of the pre-baroque
Hardly involves the eye, until
It meets his left-hand gauntlet, still
Clasped empty in the other; and
One sees, with a sharp tender shock,
His hand withdrawn, holding her hand.

They would not think to lie so long.
Such faithfulness in effigy
Was just a detail friends would see:
A sculptor's sweet commissioned grace
Thrown off in helping to prolong
The Latin names around the base.

They would not guess how early in
Their supine stationary voyage
The air would change to soundless damage,
Turn the old tenantry away;
How soon succeeding eyes begin
To look, not read. Rigidly, they

Persisted, linked, through lengths and breadths
Of time. Snow fell, undated. Light
Each summer thronged the glass. A bright
Litter of birdcalls strewed the same
Bone-riddled ground. And up the paths
The endless altered people came,

Washing at their identity.
Now, helpless in the hollow of
An unarmorial age, a trough
Of smoke in slow suspended skeins
Above their scrap of history,
Only an attitude remains:

Time has transfigured them into
Untruth. The stone fidelity
They hardly meant has come to be
Their final blazon, and to prove
Our almost-instinct almost true:
What will survive of us is love."

~ Larkin

sad steps ...

"Groping back to bed after a piss
I part thick curtains, and am startled by
The rapid clouds, the moon's cleanliness.

Four o'clock: wedge-shadowed gardens lie
Under a cavernous, a wind-picked sky.
There's something laughable about this,

The way the moon dashes through clouds that blow
Loosely as cannon-smoke to stand apart
(Stone-coloured light sharpening the roofs below)

High and preposterous and separate -
Lozenge of love! Medallion of art!
O wolves of memory! Immensements! No,

One shivers slightly, looking up there.
The hardness and the brightness and the plain
Far-reaching singleness of that wide stare

Is a reminder of the strength and pain
Of being young; that it can't come again,
But is for others undiminished somewhere."

~ Larkin

Florence ...

... had a pretty amazing holiday - can't really complain when the combination consists of renaissance art, awesome architecture, lots of sun, on top of pasta and ice-cream ... but I missed the following during my travel:

• tea - my selection of fruit tea, herbal tea, Earl Grey, Lady Grey, random Chinese tea ... (coffee is just not an equivalent - not even Italian ones)
• texting & picking up my phone to talk to my friends ~ although my travelling buddy is lovely; calm, patient, can defuse any situation, can read a map, can fix my camera, has a bag which has everything I ever wanted, can motivate me to walk even when I don't want to.
• St Helens - all those Gothic churches with lots of icons have a gloomy atmosphere.
• all of my books - I really wanted to read some scenes from "a room with a view".
• English newspaper - going to bed with one now :)

But I survived without the above for a week ... so maybe it wasn't too bad afterall ...

sun ...

... comes out today ... it has been around for a while, but due to various reasons (mainly work!), I haven't had an afternoon off, at which I just sit under the sun, reading the paper, chatting and generally, not doing very much ...

It reminds me of the installation which Olafur Eliasson did at Tate Modern back in 2004. He created "The Weather Project" in which lots of lights are used to create a sun, with a mist filling the space. It was an amazing project ~ you could see the dense yellow lights and felt the warmth it created. It did indeed make London seem less cold that winter ... although looking at the current environmental issues, we may have to resort to having an artificial sun for our summer in 20-30 years' time, and look back at these summer days with nostalgia.

All sounding really depressing - must be the effect of going to a party ... I get really nervous (and therefore hyper) while I am out, and then I just get kinda sad ... maybe I do have bipolar disorder ... hmm ...

building up a safety zone ...

... is what I do best. I am so good at it that it really hit me when it falls apart. This week, I suddenly see a few people every night (quite unexpectedly) and now, because of the Easter holiday, I won't see them for ages. Also, my work partner is on annual leave from tomorrow. So, suddnely, it feels like that everyone is away and I just found it really upsetting. The fact that my presentation went into diasterous mode (when I personally thought that it was a very interesting presentation - for once!) does not really help or rectify the situation! Never mind. That is indeed life ... I just have to try to build a comfort zone around myself, with no friends :(

Maybe, I will just go and watch Grey's anatomy instead - a much simpler option ...

The History of love ...

... "So many words get lost. They leave the mouth and lose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves. On rainy days you can hear their chorus rushing past: IwasabeautifulgirlPleasedon'tgoItoobelievemybodyismadeofglassI'veneverlovedanyoneIthinkofmyselfas funnyForgive me ...."

An amazing beginning - it made me want to find the "The History of Love" and read about it ...

dream on ... all those unspoken words flowing in mid-air ...

losing my mobile ...

... is a kinda random experience. I suppose it is a bit liked being at the middle-of-nowhere (ie. with no reception). It is harder to organise my life, but it does free out a lot of free times! For example, instead of sending meaningless texts to my mates, I read the paper (which must be more productive for both myself and the receivers!)

... it does make my on-call quite lonely today, as there was no text to greet me after running around the ward. But then, to be honest, I haven't done anything medical during my on-call tonight, except for taking some blood and talking to some relatives. But fear not, I am not wasting the good old NHS money, as I have just finished a Mortality & Morbidity presentation for tomorrow ... the surgeons rang me at 3pm and said "by the way, I would like a presentation tomorrow ...(which is kinda typical). But I did receive some really nice emails (as I have lost everyone's number).

As for now, all the jobs are done and it is time for home :) But, my phone shall be delivered tomorrow, so back to random texts days!

How slow are you?

... is an article in "The Times" today ... it is a pretty interesting quiz for you to see "how slow are you?"

http://www.slowlondon.com/quiz.php

Do check it out if you have time. I have an amazingly slow Saturday ... woke up at 12, took 1.5 hours to get out of the flat (we surfed the net, answered some emails, actually brushed my hair ...), had a long long lunch, leisurely stroll around Battersea Park and finished off the day with plum tarts and teas ... can life be more perfect?

But my slow approach to life caught up with me in the evening - when I was late for my friend's dinner party; involved a substantial amount of running to catch the buses, buying some random drinks in a supermarket, and organising a lesson for tomorrow in the middle of the night ... but hey, I still prefer to trade a few hours of slowness with a few hours of rush and manic ...

avenue q ...

... from Kate Monster ...

There is a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
There is a fine, fine line
between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale, and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".
I guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime.

But there's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh ...

There's a fine, fine line
between together,
and not.
And there's a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,
and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime.

There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time.

future ...

... is indeed full of uncertainity. The medics were all depressed at the pub tonight, as we are currently in a sinking boat of "waiting to hear about jobs, not being short-listed, going somewhere you don't want to go, doing something you don't want to do" ... the future being in a mist of fog, so unreachable, so unpredictable ...

I was reading The Screwtape Letters today, with an amazing passage: "He does not want men to give the Future their hearts, to place their treasure in it. We do. His ideal is a man who, having worked all day for the good of posterity (if that is his vocation), washes his mind of the whole subject, commits the issue to Heaven, and returns at once to the patience or gratitude demanded by the moment that is passing over him ... We want a whole race perpetually in pursuit of the rainbow's end, never honest, nor kind, nor happy now, but always using as mere fuel wherewith to heap the altar of the future every real gift which is offered them in the Present".

Everything seems so simple now - live for now, enjoy the moment, do the good work and trust the future in some greater hands than yours or mine ...

facebook ...

... I joined about 5 days ago and since then, I have spent a tremendous amount of time not-doing-much-but-surfing-the-site ... I haven't really gathered any new information, but it is liked reading "hello magazine" in that you kept on absorbing unusabe information!!! I suppose most people whom you want to talk to are on your phone/email/see-face-to-face, and those whom you try soooo hard to find, they are lost from you forever ... oh well, that is indeed life. But I think I would rather use those times to read something useful, so hmm, time to say good bye to facebook ...

Borough market ...

... is pretty amazing ... have been wanting to go there for ages, but everytime I go, it is always around closing time ... but I finally make it there today, and it definitely lived up to expectation (unlike most things in life, which tend to be anti-climax) ... loved it; the crowds, the food, the smell, the noise ... there was sooo much stuffs to try (okay, mainly cheese, but still they are good) and we found the most gorgeous cake shop; wooden floor, cottage cupboards, lots of roses, funky teaports ... what more can one hope for ...

The friend I went with is a pretty amazing cook, so we came up with lots of ideas for things that I can cook (as I am a pretty incompetent cook) ... so hopefully, I will be inviting people over for dinner etc, as I am now inspired!

reality of life ...

... since January, my life seems to have fallen apart ... and I still do not know why ... It is not that I am sad, but a general gloom has descended in front of my eyes. I can no longer see the world through a rose-tinted glasses, as the realities of life; its ugliness, its imperfection, its loneliness, its sorrow, just keep on knocking on the door and asking to enter, to be acknowledged ... and I am losing the strength to fight that battle ... I am becoming one who has no hope, no faith, no real joy, but living day by day ...

It is hard when you see the gripping big hole in your life, when you realise the difference between who-you-think-you-are and who-you-really-are, when you know you have failed and have no strength to continue ...

Do you give up? Become the countless people who live for the moment? Those who try to do what is right/good, but does not really care if you fail? Believe that there is no real goodness in this world and it is just a great big bubble, waiting to burst one day?

changed over ...

... to surgery since Wednesday. I am definitely not cut out to be a surgeon. They tend to think quite linearly (completely different to medicine, where your thinking tends to branch out) and my team has no structure. To be honest, we don't have many patients, but the consultants like to randomly turn up on the ward, and have a ward round (actually, more like a whiz round, as we tend to float through the patients).

My team is very nice, and I am with some of my medicine mates, so I can't really complain .... just slowly learning a different way of working ... I have managed to medicalise two of my patients (ie. making them a medical, rather than a surgical problem), so that is pretty cool :) although no Psychiatry patient so far ...

Oh well, it is the weekend, enough about work for now ...

May ball ...

... is definitely an Oxbridge tradition. It used to be a highlight in my undergraduate days (which does seem a very long time ago)! Your life had a structure then - just play in the Michaelmas term ~ lots of cakes, long lunches, formal halls, random society bubble. Lent term usually involved a substantial amount of panic, while the Easter term was basically spent at the library all days long, but with May week to look forwards to ~ strawberries, punting, staying up all nights watching meaningless DVDs, more teas and cakes ... then it is off to a long long summer somewhere hot ...

Now, it is work all year round, with different hours every week ... you just keep on ploughing on and before you know it, another year has gone by ...

... am having one of my nostalgia days :) - well, at least I can put the kettle on and have teas ...

free hugs movement ...

... was mentioned in the Times today. It all started 2 years ago, by a guy (Juan Mann) who has returned from London to Sydney, with a bag full of clothes and a world of troubles ... no one to greet him, to say hello, to take him home, to hug him ...

You can read the rest of the story at http://www.freehugscampaign.org/
The video is amazing, full of hope, I love the guy in blue, who jumped towards a hug ...

In the Times' articles, the reporter huged a 53 years old, who was working at the newspaper vendor. She hasn't received a "hug from a fella in seven years. Not since my John died". Sometimes, our world can seem such a cold place, especially in January, in the midst of wind, exhaustion, daily routine, work ... sometimes, we grow deaf and blind to those around us ... But hey, not everything is lost, let's start with a hug today ...

wedding ...

... my little sister is getting married on Thursday. It is kinda scary, as she is my little sister (so I will always imagine her as being 10!), but I am so happy for her at the same time, as she has found someone whom she wants to spend the rest of her livfe with! Quite amazing really, as it can be hard to find that special someone ...

"That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, that no one could ever have loved so before us, and that no one will love in the same way after us" - J Wolfgang von Goethe

Wishing that their "love is like a tree, it grows of its own accord, it puts down deep roots into our whole being" - Victor Hugo

looking back at the year ...

... (the day before the year actually ends!) ... 2006 has been an interesting year. The first half was spent in the library, absorbing medical knowledge which I still do not have, cutting out all social contacts, being amused with boredom ... then I graduated ... the second half began with travelling, meeting some amazing people, having responsibilties first time in my life, and facing deaths and suffering, knowing that I still do not cope well, and hoping some miracles will happen, taking away those agonies, kissing away those tears ...

... for now, my coping strategy involves sleeping, putting space between the day and myself ...

being ill ..

... must be my subspeciality ... Since August, I have been ill three times ... all of my colleagues know of my TB style cough (it took me 3 weeks to get rid of it and when I coughed, all of the patients would stop complaining about their problems and just stared at me).

Yesterday, on my day off, I developed something which I don't even know what it is called. I just couldn't function (maybe that is what people meant what they said that they are "generally unwell"). I even cancelled a sushi dinner :( and slept over 19 hours and today, I am not great, but at least, definitely smiling!

most frequently asked question ...

... for me , at the moment, beside "how are you?", is "why are you not with someone?". I am literally being asked that every other day, by everyone, from work, friends, random strangers ... To be honest, I don't know either ...

There has been people I like since my last relationship, but I am not motivated enough to do anything about it. Since starting clinical school, I have seen a lot of cases outside my usual life experience. The other day, I met a 40 years old alcoholic. You may think it is very common at A&E, and it is, but he was different. He was very well-kept, and I can imagine him to be a friend of mine, twenty years down the line. He has recently turned to alcohol, with his marriage breaking down and being made redundant (not entirely sure the cause and effect here). I contacted his parents about his discharge. His parents, however, refused to let him inside the home, and he was distraughted when he answered the phone.

I am not making any judgement, as it must be very difficult for his parents, since he can become violent when he is drunk, but it does make you question. When you are young, there are certain things in life you take as granted, and love is one of those things. You believe that some people will love you unconditionally, but as you grow older, you realise that it is not true ... it is one of those rare gifts in life. I have seen some beautiful relationships too, but most of the times, I fear that this gift will not be bestowed onto me, and hence, the reluctance to get involved, to become vulnerable, to be hurt ...

Lewis Carroll ....

... One of the secrets of life is that all that is really worth the doing is what we do for others.

sympathy ...

... was what I was reminded of yesterday. I have been really puzzled recently, as I had two patients who have to stay for an extra few days at hospital, because they were waiting for investigations or were not well enough to be discharged. They were both quite upset about it, and kept on saying "I am not happy". I actually got quite fed up with them, as they made me feel really bad (ie. I have let them down as a doctor), but there was no other way I could change the situation.

Anyway, I talked to a mate about it, and he was liked - they did not want you to apologise, but to empathise and understand what they are going through. Sometimes, as doctors, we tend to focus on what we can do, wanting to solve the problems at hand, instead of staying still and listen ...

Furnael blues ...

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

~ W. Auden ...

the wedding singer ...

... a musical I caught today at Broadway and this song was sung ... listening to it makes finding someone and growing old together seems so simple, so possible ... it reminds me of a patient of mine with Parkinson. I will always remember the sun rays shinning through his room, his wife by his side, holding his hands and talking, cherishing their times together ...

[Robbie]
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you, and even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you.

[Robbie & Julia]
I'll miss you, kiss you, take your shoes off and rub your feet.
Need you, feed you, and when we play checkers i'll let you cheat.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the one who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.

New york ...

... is a place where you associated with being hectic, so busy that you cannot breath. Yet, for some strange reasons, this holiday is one at which I feel completely at peace and refreshed. (Okay, it is true that I have been doing a lot of travelling - went down to washington on an overnight train for a 16 hours stay! It meant that I had a lot of time to think and listen to my ipod!)

But because I have been to New York 2 years earlier, I don't feel like that I have to go everywhere and check everything out!!! Also, my friend is one of those mega-chilled people, and she just looks after me (so I don't have to use my brain much!) ... hopefully, by next Sunday, when I reconnect with my London life, I will still be at peace and more within it (than I was when I left London!).

anyway ...

... from Mother Teresa, absolutely beautiful ...

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may Accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final end,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Prospeso's farewell ...

... from The Tempest ... I randomly read it on the tube and it is beautiful ...

"Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Ye all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep"

the year of magical thinking ...

... is a book by Joan Didion. It is about the author's grief when she lost her husband after he had a sudden massive heart attack., It is about her year of magical thinking, wishing that she can bring him back from death ...

I read the first 60 pages at Borders last night (Foyles did not stock it ~ the information guy thought that it was a self-help book?!? I was liked ... hmm, no ...), and I didn't buy it, as its emotion was just too raw, too deep, too painful to be reading passively.

Yet, it got me thinking. Most of us live in a world of magical thinking - I believe most people have a wish sub/consciously that they are working on or hoping for. For some, it may be to become famous beyond all costs, to live for their loved one (we have a patient with end staged multiple sclerosis (long going neurological illness), and basically, he does not move one flicker of muscle or engage with the outside world. Yet, his wife continues to live for him, and she broke down when we explained that he is very unwell, as she feels that if he goes, her life will end too. Very depressing, but at the same time, to love so intensely in one's life may be a good thing), to find peace within oneself, to build peace in another country ...

I have just finished "an artist of the floating world" by Kazuo Ishiguro and its overriding point is that "we have the satisfaction of knowing that whatever we did, we did at the time in best of faith. Of course, we took some bold steps and often did things with much singlemindness; but this is surely preferable to never putting one' s conviction deeply enough, for lack of will or courage. When one holds convictions deeply enough, there surely comes a point when it is despicable to prevaricate further". (The fictionious artist was involved in Japanese imperialism).

With magical thinking, it suggests that the wishes at hands are unachievable, but maybe to believe in something so passionately yet undertake no actions, may be more detrimental ultimately. But hey, today is Halloween Day - a day of magic ...

a life without me ...

... is an amazing film (I seem to say that for every film I ever watched?!?). It is a very plain story, about a young mother dying from cancer, leaving her two children and husband behind ... very simple, nothing fancy (ie. no twist in plots etc), but very touching ... it makes you realise how much she is going to lose, and this sense of loss is conveyed in all the gestures she did in trying to hold on to life ... as she said, "the death has no regrets".

It also bought home for me how patients react to doctors. Relatives always only want to talk to you after 5pm. Some days I stayed behind and explained, but there are days in which I still have 10 millions things to do (blood forms, update the list, chase up all the blood results ...) Today, a relative asked me why his father was being given huge trunk of meat, when he is having difficulties to swallow. I was liked - "I don't know, you would have to ask the nurses". I suppose I could have taken more initiative in helping him out, instead of just asking the nurses to deal with it. It is such a fine line to draw, since otherwise, I set an awful precedent in dealing with patients after hours, and they can become quite unreasonable and demand to see a doctor over the weekend etc .. hmm, don't know ...

surprise ...

... I haven't had a "man-made" surprise for ages ... maybe since I left Cambridge. I suppose that as you get older, it takes more to surprise you ... but there is always a sunrise, a flower, a song on the street, which touches you out of the blue, and reminds you of better times.

Tonight, a girl and her boyfriend (who I met at Australia), randomly knocked at my door!!! We had a short chat outside of my flat, as it was a complete tip (so I couldn't really invite her in), but it was sooo nice to see her and to talk ... and it was not something which was organised 2-3 weeks in advance ... so spontaneous, so simple, yet, it really cheers me up ...

So, do something spontaneous today ... to bring a smile to someone's face :)

kids ...

... are such an interesting group of people. I bought some sweets for a daughter of someone at work (really random, but basically, she is a big fan of Hello Kitty, and I happened to have a tin of Hello Kitty sweets lying around at home. Don't ask me why I bought such a thing?!?!)

Anyway, this little 7 year old wrote me a card, with everyone from her family signing it ... kids something are sooo thoughtful that it can break your heart!! Receiving cards/letters from my friends is probably one of my favourite things, but they happen so far and few in between. So, she definitely made my day :) (and I am so glad that she has already learnt the art of letter sending!)

being unwell ...

... is something I am pretty good at. I have been ill twice since August (cough for 3 weeks, and now I am feeling dizzy all the time, with a temperature - checked by the nurses on the ward!). Someone even said to me last week - "everytime I meet you, you are either coughing or have something wrong with you".

I don't know why either, but I have definitely picked up more bugs since I started working at the hospital (although not C.difficle or MRSA). The longest time at which I have been well was when I was away on summer holiday this year ~ staggering 8 weeks!

At least, this year, with no studying after work, I can crawl up in bed, watch dvd and have lots of hot chocolate (can't complain!) when I can't bear to face the world ...

在世界中心呼喊愛 ...

... crying out love, in the center of the world ...

is a pretty amazing film. I managed to dig up a really random version at my parents' house today, but if you can ever get hold of it, do (I can't find it on amazon) ... the storyline is a bit predictable, except for a pretty random ending, as it tries to tie up the loose ends. It is a film which leads to lots and lots of tears, but then, what do you expect from a film with such a title?!?

But the cinema work is amazing and it does make one believe in eternity (although maybe in a hopeless kind of way) ...

anyway, if you know me and want to borrow it, just give me a shout :)

Crash ...

Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep ......

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep ......

And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep ......

And the silence,
or your secrets, well
raise a worry hand.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
to who you thought you were.
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep ......

Kandinsky@Tate ...

... is a pretty amazing exhibition. I caught it on the last day (typical of my well-organised life!), and it was dazzling. He is famous for abstract painting (see the picture above - Cossacks 1910–11 Tate © ADAGP, Paris and DACS, London 2006), and I am sadly not its biggest fans. The exhibition traces his development from landscape to abstraction, and some of his paintings from the in-between periods are literally mind-blowing. My favourite is a tiny painting called "Moscow, Red Square", with its amazing bright light and colourful background, such a sense of hope ...

unrealistic ...

... was how someone described me yesterday. It upset me (although I am a bit fragile in general this week), as it is a very accurate and truthful description of my life, in all aspects. A kinder friend said that I am just optimstic, but the former is probably more true. I want everything to be perfect in the world, and I sincerely hope that it will be so, trying to create a perfect surrounding for those I love, bringing a smile to their faces.

Yet, I am constantly let down, by myself, by others, and sometimes, by life itself. On Friday night, I was asked to see a patient on my ward. She was found lifeless in a chair, stone cold (although just an hour ago, she was talking and reading a magazine). The rawness of death, the helplessness ... we started CPR and I prayed and prayed that we will bring her back (and we did) ... when the family arrived, with their sadness, she was slowly drifting into the world of unconsciousness ...

all those tears ... seeing their mother with 10 millions tubes, talking through the options, signing the "Do not resuscitate" order ...

was it right to resus her? was it right to pray that she will survive? Has God answered my prayer? Thus, did my unrealism create more pain for the family?

life drawing ...

... went to my first ever class today and it was sooo much fun. I was so bad at it, that it was kinda funny?!?! It is interesting to observe how bad you can be at something ... In my 24 years' life, I have proved to be useless in driving (my driving instructor said that I give him heart-attacks and he asked me to quit, as I would never pass), map-reading, Spanish (I failed my mock GCSE paper, with a "F"), aural test in piano exams (I have done every grade from I to VII and have never passed the aural component!), drawing (my mum did all of my drawing homework while I was little. When I was at boarding school, my mate did it for me), cooking (hmm, anyone who has tried it will know) ...

... there are 10 millions other things I am not good at, but this is what makes life beautiful, as it shows that we cannot exist on our own, but to rely on each other, to get us through each single day ...

being late ...

... is probably one of my really really bad habits. My lateness can range from several seconds to over an hour (pretty unacceptable!). I seem to have no concept of time (in transport terms), and most of the times, I ended up getting lost and spent another 30 minutes, trying to figure out where I am. I am therefore one of those people who ask 10 millions people for direction and still have no idea what is happening ...

Today, I was 5 minutes late for a resus course, and I was not allowed in. The feeling was terrible, as you felt rejected because of your own failure (= being late). I was really lost at this massive hospital (Hammersmith Hospital, for those of you in the known, is a complete maze!), but still, I should have been more prepared etc ... so yeah, my resolution for now is not to be late, and to be early ... (hmm, hopefully, none of my friends actually reads my blog and demands a change in my action ...)

a very random day ...

... woke up this morning crying?!?! I am not one of those people who cry all the time (unless I am watching a film or reading a book or something really upsets me) and I can't remember what I was crying about in my dream?!?! It definitely has to do with work, as I was in the hospital, and was so upset that I couldn't stop crying when I woke up??!

a great start to the day ... had a lovely cello lesson and then crawled back to bed ... I am just drained, after working 12 days back to back, doing 9-7 or 7.30-10 shifts. Finally crawled out of bed to meet a friend for dinner. We spent 30 minutes trying to find each other at Waterloo, then once we did, she didn't want to go to the restaurant. I then took her somewhere else (which she didn't seem to like either!), so I asked her to choose anywhere, but she just wouldn't. Then, the strangest thing of all happened - I flipped!!!! I am not the best temper person on earth, but I don't really ever get mad at people, as I normally try to keep everything under control. We still have a fun evening, ending up with Thai food and spiced apple teas!! :) She was more shocked than mad at me, but I do feel very bad, as she is a great mate and I have no rights to behave the way I did.

Going back to bed ... as I am seeing 4 different people tomorrow for teas, lunch and tennis, so I don't want to flip at anyone!!!!

inside I am dancing ...

... a most interesting film. It is about 2 guys in wheelchairs and how they try to form an independent life. Its plot is predictable, but it got me thinking. I have a 95 years old patient who refuses any food or drink, as she wants to die. So, we get into this cycle in which she becomes dehydrated in the nursing home and get sent to the hospital. The family wants to know if there is any way we can break the cycle. We are not really doing much medically, except giving her subcutaneous fluids (as she pulls all of her drips out), but it is not working, as all of the fluids just stays in her tummy (instead of being absorbed). I was really confused as to why the family wouldn't let her go? We can put a tube down her thorat to feed her, but it is really uncomfortable and she doesn't want it. She just wants to go. The film, on the other hand, is so full of hope. One of the main characters knows he will die pretty soon (as he has Duchene muscular dystrophy - a rare genetic musclar disorder), but he still tries so hard to become independent, to live a life that he wants it. Yet, this lady doesn't want to. (Okay, there is a large age difference). I really do not know when we should draw the line. Should we keep her coming and going from hospital? Sometimes, we seem to keep someone alive for the sake of those around ...

On a slightly different note, one of my patients had a stroke and refuses all rehabitation (physio etc). She has got huge rehab potential if she tries, but she just said that "I am a cripple, let me go". It makes me wonder as to what I will be like when I am old? Will I still be motivated or given up all hopes?

Care of the Elderly does drain you out ...

people ...

... are always full of surprises. I have a very bad habit in that I always try to "guess" someone's personality, views, opinions etc ... ie. jumping into conclusion about someone. About 70% of the times, I am right, but sometimes I am pleasantly surprised. I will meet someone who I don't think I will be able to talk to (ie. assuming they are way too serious, or extreme in their views, or very cool etc), and have some amazing conversations. They sometimes even clear some misconceptions I have about the world, and change my views forever ...

Maybe that is because I have less expectation ... and as I am not trying to impress them, I really listen to their views and see things from their angles.

However, I am also greatly disappointed today. A friend of mine texted me this morning and said that "the moon will change colour at 8 tonight, as the moon is at its closet to earth in 16 years". I did look and it didn't change colour. I texted all of mates about it (one doesn't have many "16 years"!), and only one guy actually said he will look ... so yeah, he is probably as sad as me, but at least, we still believe and hope ...

My cough ...

... has lingered for over a week now. It sounds awful. I just coughed like nutes all day. Once I was explaining to a patient's relatives re: prognosis of their father, my cough was so bad that they actually stopped asking questions and just stared at me. Last night, I went to a relatively posh restuarant, and the waiter though I was choking myself. It is kinda strange to be ill and working in a hospital, as nurses gave me medications, made me tea and put some cakes aside just for me. So, everyone is looking after me :)

A friend of mine is staying with me in a few days' time, so hopefully, my cough will get better by then, as otherwise she won't get any sleep!!!

The bell ...

... is a book by Iris Murdoch. A quite interesting book (I am not a big fan of her writing) about faith, homosexuality, religious etc. Towards the very end of the novel, (probably not a vital point for the book) she describes about Dora's feeling towards Michael and she wrote, "She had waited sadly, but with a sense of the inevitable, for the ending of her time with Michael. She loved him with a quiet undemanding hopelesness. After so much pain and violence his very inaccessibility was consoling".

I was quite surprised by the sentiment expressed, as in our world, most people will think that it is pointless (ie. to love someone and not be loved in return, or to help, to contribute etc). Even in helping the developing worlds, saving the planet etc, it is all to make a better society for our children (I am not saying that it is a bad motivation). It seems to be such a change to do something without any motive, without any hope, without any demand, although you can argue that for Dora, there is a reason behind it, as it was "consoling" ...

we do live in a complicated world, don't you think?

after bank holiday ...

... I went to work and it was such a wonderful feeling to see that all of my patients are still alive. I was quite worried about this lady with leukaemia & neutropenia, and wasn't sure if she would made it through the weekend, but she did :)

This is probably the hardest thing about medicine (for me anyway), as sometimes, no matter what you do; give them 24 hours care, connect them to the most amazing monitors, with ten billions drugs at hands, if someone has to go, they go ...

I shall have another "unknown" moment tomorrow, when I go into the ward, and scan the list of patients, seeing if the usual names are still up there. There is a patient who we are worried about tonight. Contacting the family was heartbreaking this afternoon, as they wanted some definite news from you (ie. will she make it through tonight?). Everyone tried to be reasonable, but in their voices, there was a trace of hope, praying that you would say something positive ...

flowers@the tube ...

… I have been buying flowers for my friends recently (for birthdays, dinners etc), and I get to carry them in the tube :) Tiger Lilly (definitely my favourite!) has such an amazing fragrance … it makes the whole carriage smells so lovely, and all those delays so much more bearable!

smoking ...

... is one of those topics which invokes all sorts of emotions from people. I have friends who will not go out with someone who smoke, some will even split up with them, if their other half becomes a smoker?!?! I personally have no problem with it, as long as it is not in my face, although I am not its strongest fan, given its health implication etc. Yet, I always wonder what do people think about when they are having a fag outside the office etc? They always seem to be deep in thoughts ...

a bad day ...

... today definitely comes close. Maybe a better word to describe is "overwhelming". I have to make some constructive comments to a friend (which didn't go down well at all), failed many times to get an arterial blood gas, rang up a GP surgery 10 millions times, to reach a locum who didn't have a clue about the patient ... To top it off, a patient's family told me off for ages, about some medications not being given over the weekend, when I was off duty ...

So, that is my day ... it is not my happiest day, and at some point, I did feel like crying, but hey, life moves on and tomorrow is another day, as Scarlett O'Hara said :)

family ...

... is a funny business. So complicated ~ apparently 72 different types of family structures exist nowadays. 1/2 marriages in the West end in divorces. I don't know if it is because we all want to be loved in a way that we are not. Looking at my own parents, it is hard to say if they are truly happy with each other; the rows, the disappointments, the pain, the heartaches ... my friends' parents don't seem to fare much better. Yet, the start of each relationship is so full of promises, hopes, love ... what happen to them? just disappear without a trace? Or do we just need to try a little bit harder? Maybe Mother Teresa is right in that "do not think that love to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is love without getting tired".

tomorrow ...

... is the day at which I will start working as a doctor (sorry, it is highly exciting for a medic!). I went in to shadow the doctors today, and it seems like an ideal first job. Care of the Elderly is really slow pace (which doesn't suit my personality!), but it does mean I don't have to rush and can try to do a good job. I think I will need the confidence to know that I can do it?!?! Sometimes, in life, the unexpected nature in which how things turn out is always better than we can ever plan or imagine, showing someone else greater is in charge!

one of those days ...

… at which I didn’t manage to achieve much, but soooo enjoyable. All it involves are catching up with friends, writing cards, reading (a short history of tractors in Ukrainian ~ not bad, very light), listening to my-pretty-awful-music selection (aka Cantonese pop, James Blunt, Coldplay, cello pieces …), tidying up the flat (moving everything from the suitcases into the wardrobes ~ a highly complicated process!), sorting out my photos (and remembering the wonderful times they represent), eat to my heart’s contents …

I should have been at the affiliation ceremony at South Kensington, spending time with my year, celebrating graduation (again?!?), but as my parents are away, there is no obligation to go, and I don’t fancy clapping at least 300 times, and saying “good byes” all over again. It was emotionally draining enough at our final year ball, and to do it again does require a lot of courage, which sadly, I do not have.

So, I hope that the motto for IC medics from the year 2006: “the best portion of a good person’s life; their little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness & love” (Wordsworth)

dashing to a BBQ in a few minutes …

last day @ hong kong ...

... woo ... this is going to be my last ever proper mega long summre holiday, unless I take some time off etc .. and this one has been amazing. I have met some truly original people, saw some amazing sunrise/set & God's creation, been to some interesting restaurants, had endless number of hot-chocolates, on top of random conversations and drives ... it has opened my eyes to many different possibilties of living, and challenged me to re-examine my life and priorities ...

For now, life continues ... since coming back from Melbourne, my London life has been contacting me, and everything is kinda back in track ... hopefully, I will have time to reflect on everything and keep in touch with those who matter ...

can't believe I will be working in a few days' time ... a bit unsure but definitely exciting ...

last day @ sydney ...

... can't believe that I am leaving! The holiay seems to have passed in a mist, but in a good way (soo good that I haven't written my blog at all!). Managed to see quite a bit of Sydney, but didn't try anything outrangeous (sorry, but the water is too freezing cold!!) From the conference itself, I learned a lot (which I suppose must be a good thing), not just about God, being a doctor, but also my own weakness (definitely vital!) and what is important for me ...

So, definitely all worthwhile, and lots of things to reflect on ... but catch my flight to Melbourne for now :)

as times goes by ...

... the song from Casablanca ...

"You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss,
a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by."

Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

business ...

is such an interesting word! I was trying to write "busy-ness", but it turned out to be "business". Sometimes, English language can be so unpredictable, it is actually unbelieveable! :)

Life has been very hectic, since coming back from Brussels in mid-June ... There were so many errands to run (they have been piling up since revision started), on top of celebrating, filling 10 millions forms for the job, packing etc etc. It all became kinda crazy.

Things didn't really get any better when I arrived at Hong Kong, as there was more errands ... but suddenly, the last few days, I can just read (highly recommend "I capture the castle" by Dodie Smith, not sure about "Dubliners" by James Joyce), watch TV (for those who don't know me, I don't have a TV at my flat in London. So I have been catching up on pop culture ie. "ER", "House", "24"), eat, sleep and take pictures. I will try to pull my act together and write some entertaining blogs (as my last entry is just random!!)

To be honest, this is not really interesting either, but hey, at least it is a start! :)

hong kong ...

... is in the swing of blazing summer heat. I haven't been back for just under three years, and everything seems so different; the sight, the smell, the taste and the people ... everyone is mega efficient (to put it mildly!), and it does make one feel constantly tired, with so many stimulants for your senses.

results ...

... came out today and finally, I am not a medical student anymore. I have somehow managed to pass through the hundle, and am now a doctor. It has been a very long dream (albeit a good one!) and it is mind-blowing when it becomes true.

We also had our medic ball in the evening, and it was amazing but sad. Our last ever student ball (with full on cheese!), last ever being responsibiltiy-free, last ever having days on ends with the sole aim of revising. Seeing all those faces, knowing some whom you may never see again ...

But saying "goodbye" is indeed part of life, and without it, it is hard for "hello" to come by ...

finally ...

... I can think about packing, going away, leaving all of my worries and stresses behind.

I didn't realise how stressed I have been in the past few months, until this morning when I was leaving my flat, and couldn't find my wallet. As I had no cash or ID, I couldn't reach Paddington to sit my last exam. Suddenly, the world literally felt crumpling down, with thoughts of spending another 3 months in the library, reading through endless notes, cramming my head with random facts, thinking about medicine, medicine, medicine ...

Ended up frantically opening every cupboard, box, bag in my flat, and all these times, it has been sleeping peacefully in my cello music drawer. Life is indeed full of surprises, and I reached my last exam on time ...

Results are out on 20th June ... but meanwhile, life begins ...

private vs public worlds ...

... is an interesting concept, but it is definitely true. It is sad in a way, since our culture drives us to attain perfection. We have to be happy, successful, famous, with "sorted" life, or at least, desiring such a life. Or we go to the other extreme, becoming those who do not care, only-live-for-the-moment, trying to be free from the mundate world ...

Again, I am generalising, but hey, maybe for today, when we ask someone "how are you?", we will stop what we are doing, pause, look at them and genuinely listen. Even if they say "I am okay", listen to their tones, the underlying smiles, and maybe, when we are asked in return, we will also examine our own hearts and give a honest answer.

Okay dokey, got surgurical exam tomorrow. Should get back to work, but hey, last exam for this year!

toy story ...

... is such an amazing film. I watched it today, in the blazing heat, instead of the England vs Paraguay game (sorry, but football is really not my cup of tea ... hmm, maybe it is too hot for that today anyway!)

If you are in London and have a spare hour, do go and see the Pixar exhibition at the Sciene Museum. Make sure you look for the 21st century zoetrope, as we nearly missed it (to be honest, it is massive, most people won't miss it!) It is a spinning thing, with all of your favourite Toy Story characters ... and they literally spring into action!

The show was originally showed at MOMA, and as usual, only a quarter of the contents came over the atlantic. Never mind, maybe they picked the highlights :)

Can't wait when "Cars" comes out in the summer ... back to lovely revision!

To be surrounded by beauty ...

... everyday must be amazing. I know someone who works at Christie, and I can only imagine how it feels when you wake up in the morning, after the crazy tube journeys, to be greeted by a painting :) Or being a gardener, working in the fields all day, immenses oneself in the sunshines, rains, and your beloved blossoms ...

Medicine is probably on the opposite side of the scale, as there is tremendous amount of suffering to be witnessed first hand. After all, we are fighting a losing battle, as everyone dies eventually. Yet, the human spirit itself is a beauty; its perseverance in the face of difficulties, trust in the unknown, forgiving the past, hope in the future, all blend into one. Even the tears, the aguish, the fear is something to celebrate, as we journey into the future unknown, hand-in-hand ...

Sometimes ...

... I wish I have the courage to venture into the unknown, to face being vulnerable, to take the first step, to hold a possibility in my hands and believe its potential ...

Why is it so hard? "No" will not be the end of the world, but "never-to-know" is more frustrating, as if letting a butterfly flies by, without admiring its colour ...

Children's talk ...

... I heard the following conversation on the bus on the morning of my first exams for final:

Child A: (pointing to his head) Do you know you have a brain in there?
Child B: Really? I don't believe you.
Child A: Really. You will have a brain, as long as you believe there is a brain in there.

So true. A lot of times, to have faith is just to take that small step (to believe in the unknown), and you are there ...

Life is so simple from a child's point of view sometimes. We, adults, do complicate things (for better or worse).